How do you greet your husband at the end of a long day?
If you get home first, do you meet him at the door with a list of things that needs to be done, a list of complaints about your day, or perhaps, an armful of kids?
If he gets home before you, do you walk in with a list of demands for the rest of the night?
Most men are looking for are a few minutes to transition from work to home. Focus on his transition tonight. If you have kids, let them give dad a quick hug and tussle. If it’s just the two of you, give him a quick kiss then tell him the next half an hour is his to do with as he wishes; lay down, watch TV, read a book, play a video game-whatever. The choice is his.
Prayer for Today
Dear God, help me to drop the to-do list for my husband today and focus on who he is not just what he can do.
Getting Creative
There are plenty of reasons why it might not be easy for you to give your husband some transition time at the end of the day. We need to look at what can work for our relationship. Be creative, like the stories listed below. Brainstorm with your friends until you find a situation that will work for you and your guy.
- My friend, Joann, purposely scheduled her daughter’s dance classes twice a week at the same hour that her husband gets home from work. That way, her hubby comes home to an empty house. He gets some quiet, and she gets a more peaceful man.
- One husband has his workshop out in the garage. His wife encourages him to go and hang out there for a while before dinner. (Since starting this arrangement, her husband has started helping out with the after-dinner clean up. Nice side benefit.)
- Crock-pots are The Husband Project’s best friend. Set your crock-pot to finish thirty minutes after your husband gets home from work. Let him know you don’t need anything until dinner is ready.
- Some husbands want to connect with their wives for their 30 minutes (different guys, different needs…). One wife who worked on this project, made a point of asking her husband about his day instead of giving him a 30-minute answer to his question about her day.
Your Project:
Focus on your husband’s “transitional” 30 minutes today. Use one of the suggestions above or come up with our own plan. The point is to let your husband know you value what he does out in the world and there’s a safe loving place to come home and refresh at the end of the day.
I know my husband works hard for me to be a stay home mom. He normally calls me just before he gets home and I have a glass of wine or beer waiting for him. He now plays a round of golf on our Wii before dinner is served.
***Even if you work or stay home..I found that putting on your favorite music can help you get in the mood. Keep your favorite perfume with you and dab a little on. We are sensual creatures…Isn’t great to be a women.
Well, this is interesting. Unfortunately for my husband, he has been overloaded at work for a very long time. I have been doing many chores that used to be his for a long time. As things are slowly lightening up for him at work, I am not being as appreciative as I should be as he slowly starts picking up a few responsibilities again, because I have felt so overloaded for so long. I encouraged him to take a nap on Sunday instead of wishing that he would be helpful. I made sure that the kids didn’t wake him. He really needed the rest. I made a point of thanking him for the things that he did. He felt appreciated and I felt thankful that he is starting to have the energy to help again.
He stood for a few minutes and looked like he didn’t know what to do with himself while I assured him that he should rest and relax. Well, I strapped the fussy baby to the front of me instead of passing him off and finished up dinner while the other 2 played quietly and he fell asleep on the couch for about 20 minutes. I think he needed that!
When my husband gets home from work he does appreciate being able to relax in peace but usually doesn’t get it. Working in construction and traveling all over the Bay Area he comes home at a different time every day. Sometimes just the noise of me clanging pans and dishes to prepare dinner along with our youngest jumping around making noise or trying to help me or ask her Dad questions is enough to get him grumpy. Doing this project has brought this to my attention and I’m purposely trying to make his first 30 minutes plus when he comes home more peaceful. It’s helped my husband be in a better mood and not be grumpy because he’s had some time to unwind and relax! Our family time together has also improved because he’s in a better mood!
(I’ve done day 1 twice – this is the 1st try) I had one of his favorites for dinner ready in the oven with about an hour left to cook. When he came home I told him to just relax, (I was trying not to sound sarcastic because he usually comes home and lays down on the couch until dinner is ready anyway. In his defense, he does have a very physical job and he’s getting older. And yes, sometimes I have attitude problems. . .) I told him I was taking our daughter with me to run an errand so he could have some peace and quiet to himself and then we’d have a special dinner.
We came home to a happy husband and father and enjoyed a nice evening together! It’s not always possible for this to happen, but I’m going to try and arrange it more often!
(Second time starting the 21 day project, – 6 weeks apart, with Christmas and everything that goes with it I fell off the wagon so I started over. This is an email to one of my project partners) Well, day 1 went okay. . . It was my plan to have dinner almost ready in the oven (pork chops and baked potatoes, one of his favorites) and take S with me on an errand so L could relax in peace for about an hour before dinner. (has been very successful in the past) But, he called and wanted to go bowling with a couple of friends tonight so I said go ahead. I made sure dinner was ready (something else) when he came home so he could eat and be on time to leave. And. . .big one for me, I did it with a good attitude. He noticed because he said maybe next week we can go as a family! And he was in a good mood. I’ve really become aware how much my attitude effects my husband and our family. As the saying goes, when mama’s not happy, no one is happy.
What I found out is that when I get home from work my husband wants a little time from me. So instead of coming in and immediately changing my clothes and going to my computer to check email, I gave him my time. And you know what was so cute? He had done the grocery shopping that day and he wanted to show me the things he had purchased and explain why he made some of the choices he had made. He also showed me some articles in the paper that he thought I would be interested in. As of immediately, I will be changing my routine when I first get home from work and give my guy my time.
This one should be pretty easy for me, I babysit in the afternoons 3 days a week and my husband technically works from home (he does visit clients during the day though) so he is usually home before I am. However, since he does actually do paperwork and ‘computer stuff’ at home I’ll have to come up with something to give him a little extra time once we get home.
Usually when my husband gets home it is a pretty crazy time of the day for me and our kids. It’s dinner time and the kids are getting hungry and fussy and so am I! Trying to get a dinner together is the hardest thing for me to do, so when my husband walks through the door he usually sees us all a little frazzled, and jumps in to help. (He is a much better cook than I!) I decided today to make soup ahead of time, so it was already done when he got home and I could focus on him and he didn’t feel compelled to help me finish cooking! It was a much more relaxed atmosphere, and I plan to use the crock pot a lot, too!
I bombard. I admit it. My hubby has said for years “Can I at least get my boots off?” as soon as I start. So last night was a big change. I prepped the kids by telling them they could do a hug/kiss, “glad you’re home daddy” welcome but they were under strict instructions to give him 30 minutes space.
Hubby came in wanting to share a bit about an event from his afternoon. I stopped emailing and gave him my full attention. After he shared, he went upstairs to change clothes. I brought him a glass of iced tea, told him I had brewed another pitcher and that dinner would be ready a bit later. I finished with “Go ahead and check the sports scores, read your email and I’ll keep the kids quiet until dinner”. He looked at me wide eyed and asked “What’s going on?”.
I can confidently share the 30 minute unwind experience was well enjoyed by hubby. I think it will be a lasting implementation to our schedule. Who knew something so minor could set such a wonderful tone for our evening. It was priceless!!!!
Wouldn’t you know it? My husband’s got dinner out tonight. No need to give him 30 minutes, so I’m moving to project 6…a little hands on. He’ll be getting a luxury hand massage tonight, and I can cross off that project with great satisfaction.
The idea of giving my husband 30 minutes to himself when he gets home is just ….NOT GONNA HAPPEN. We have a 2 1/2 year old who adores her daddy and wants all his attention when he gets home from work. SO, instead I thought I would try to make his homecoming as chaotic-free as possible, as well as welcoming. I wanted him to feel happy to be home.
No T.V., no toys, no mess. Dinner was ready, the table was set, candles lit on the mantle, classical music in the background, kids bathed and the house smelled like I cooked for hours. It was awesome. When he came home I didn’t ask for any help. He changed into comfy clothes and played with our daughter, while I handed him a cold Sierra Nevada. Mission accomplished. This was a nice transition for him.
More than anything else, I think the fact that all he did was play with our daughter instead of having to hear me yap his ears off as he walks through the door. Yeah, I like to talk and I have a lot to say. Setting the tone for the house, having everything ready for dinner and just giving him time to play….set the mood for the evening.
So I heard about this website at MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group where Kathi Lipp spoke. I did the first “assignment” of giving my husband 30 minutes of time to himself. When I told him to take 30 minutes to do something to relax, he looked at me, puzzled, and said, “MOPS really brainwashed you or something! What’s the catch?” Then I told him there was no catch and he looked at me weird again said “really? I would like that.” Then he spent time shopping online for books he’s been wanting to get. So it went well! And it was so fun to see his reaction!
I did this Day #7: I said, “Have about 1/2 hour free time, watch ESPN, sit down, relax.” He went in, changed, came back, sat down and started talking to me…SHOCK!!
Still have not been able to do Day 1 or Day 2. B is getting home so late there is no time to do something together. I was thinking this weekend, but I am going on a scrapbooking retreat. So I thought I would leave him one of his favorite treats (day 4) and leave little sweet notes around the house for him to find while I am gone. I did do Day 5 today.
I didn’t relize how selfish I was until I did this. He always get’s his 30-60 min. of time. My husband goes to work at 4 am and gets home at 3pm. However there’s this unspoken pact that after hes done with his time I get my time. So everything went horrible! I never relized until today just how much my husband does do for me. See, we are leaving for the thanksgiving break. Now my husband calls me in the middle of the day to ask what I NEED him to help with when he gets home. I say “nothing honey you just come home and relax. So me being the superwomen type I try to have everything done. Of course it ends with my one year old eating all the cheerios off the floor from the morning before. I thanked him for sweeping the floor(yep he said he didnt). Everyone took an hour nap. He took over with the kid’s! BUT yes, when they where a sleep one hour early(did I mention they are sick). We had a great talk, good love-in. And he asked “Do you feel guilty?” me “NO, why” “Because your being so nice to me”. OK so no dinner made, still in my pj’s day. Wow that’s what a little one on one talking and listining can do. Hu talk about being humbled. I needed this bad !!!
This normally is not a problem in our household, so I changed it to finding something he does when he gets home, and doing it for him so he doesn’t have to do it. He stated on Sunday some house hold chores he was planning on doing on Monday, so I got started early and did his work for him. He really did not notice when he returned 😕 so I mentioned it to him and then he said thak-you, looks good.:( oh well I will keep working at it.
LJ
My husband does not know I am doing this (like you requested). The first day when he came home I greeted him warmly and said to relax, I’d get him a cold drink, and that he could kick back and put his feet up for awhile until dinner was ready. He instantly got a big smile on his face. He noticed I was going to take the garbage out and said he would do it, but I said no…it was his time to relax and I would handle it. He smiled and said why? And I said because I wanted too. Also I told him I didn’t want anything from him, so that wasn’t my motivation. He was surprised and soooo happy. It must mean I have been short changing him for a while. I think when he comes home I start “dumping” my requests on him right away.
With work and kids and all the other duties in life, I think I do let him fend for himself a lot, and I often become a dictator in order for things to get done. Overall I am a positive person, but I feel I must have been neglecting him, for him to react so over the top from attention from me!
After the second day he said I am so good to him. I’m glad I’m working on this, and hope it sticks. Thanks for the tips and ideas.
May God continue to use you to make marriages better.
Until next time,
Melissa
Cheri –
This is great. I love how you adapted the project. This is the perfect way to make this project work!
My situation is a little bit different, as I’m the full-time worker in the family and my husband is at home most of the time. So at the end of the day, he usually isn’t looking for “cave time” — he’s usually had quite a bit of it, as our kids are in high school.
So, I translated this assignment into “30 minutes of what’s important to him right now.” That meant I did NOT give him a 30-minute answer to his loving question, “So, how was your day?” I gave him the 30-second summary and then asked, “Tell me about YOUR day.”
Since he’s been unemployed for over a year, I know it’s important for him to list everything he’s done to benefit the family, as he feels “unmanly” that he doesn’t generate income. Personally, I don’t CARE how many loads of laundry got done or how long the grocery shopping took . . . but I AM thrilled that he did it!
After about 10-15 minutes of this, we just “hung out” in his home office/music studio while he showed me the latest musical stuff he’s been doing. (This was HARD for me, because I am NOT a “hang out” kinda gal — I’m a go, go, go-er!)
He seemed SO much happier than usual the rest of the evening, more connected, and it even seemed to make him more patient while helping our daughter with Algebra II!
Kathi, to give you a little background history, my husband and I have been married for 12 years with no children. We are adopting 2 toddlers (20 months and 3 1/2 years old). They were placed in our home on August 1, 2007 and we anticipate the adoption finalizing in February. Before the kids, My husband received all the attention. I fixed his dinner, made his plate & put it on the table, etc. Since the kids came, things haven’t been quite the same simply because of our schedules. For the past couple of months, this has been our routine:
I’ve been preparing the kids dinner plates and I eat with them. When my husband arrives home, he has been going straight up stairs (while we’re still eating) and running the first bath water. Whichever child finishes first, he takes him/her up to start baths. After both are bathed & put to bed, he goes back downstairs and prepares his own plate while I’m preparing lunches, cleaning the table, preparing the kids clothes, etc. ‘
So last night, his plate was already prepared and ready when he got home. He still went straight up stairs and ran bath water (out of habit), then came back down. He said he was going to take our son up for his bath. I asked him to take a seat and eat his dinner first. He said, “Huh?” I said it again and he frowned, puzzled. I said it a 3rd time and he said, “Okay”, as if he felt I was up to something. While he was picking up his plate from the kitchen cabinet & walking to the table, I took our son from his high chair and started to leave the room. He said, “You’re taking him for a bath?” (puzzled) I said yes. He just frowned like, uh-ok. When he finished eating his dinner, he brought our daughter upstairs for her bath. They came into the bathroom where I was drying our son. I said, “I’ve got her.” He said, “Huh?” I repeated myself and told him to go relax. He just stood there looking at me for a few seconds like he was trying to figure me out. Priceless! He went to our bedroom, got dressed for bed, arranged his clothes for the next day, then laid down in bed. When I came into the room, I took my shower & dressed for bed, then laid beside him and gave him a foot massage. He fell fast asleep! He didn’t say anything, but believe me, he took in every detail!
My husband is teaching a new curriculum this year to his grade 8 Social Studies students. He is finding it really hard to have to come up with fun, interesting, meaningful activities every day while concurrently learning the material himself! So – I have spent some time this morning finding some AMAZING resources online that he could use. I’ve compiled them, and just sent him an email with the hyperlinks. I told him he was welcome to stay late at work to take a peek at them, and sent him to work with an extra big lunch so that if he chooses to stay he’ll have something yummy to tide him over. If he comes home early, I’ll give him time tonight to browse the materials while I take care of the kids.
I find that this “being intentional” thing is very hard. With kids (include 4 week baby into this mix plus my four year old) and work to balance, I NEED my husband’s contribution in order to get through the day. So…the ones that include me giving him his “own time” are almost impossible! Yet, my priority should be a happy husband as a happy husband makes a happy home! (Don’t I sound Susie Home-maker?)
Depsite this, last night I sent him off to play ping pong with his friend Peter for an hour while I scurried around the house. He had a great time…so, this was Day 1 happening on Day 2.
When he came in, I greeted him with a kiss and hug and I asked him did he want a cold drink. Then I told him to sit and I would talk to him after 30 minutes passed. He said, what got into you, or what show did you watch. I left and went to the store to get a few things we needed for that nights dinner. He was supposed to cook that night, fish and shrimp. So I peeled and cleaned the shrimp for him and set everything out for him to cook. We had a great night.