Over the past several months, I’ve had more than a dozen women contact me about their marriages and how they are just not working.
He’s done something stupid. She’s done something stupid.
Or it’s just the everyday stuff that is driving each of you crazy. So I thought I’d take the next several Wednesdays and address the four biggest reasons that women are coming to me about their marriage, and try to give you some practical take aways about what you can do about it.
Reason #1 Marriage is hard: Money
Earlier this year, Roger and I got the notice that Target had the tiniest of security breeches and sadly, his card was affected. (You know. The debit card that EVERYTHING is attached to…) To say it was inconvenient is an understatement.
But we dutifully changed all of our cards and got them hooked up with our accounts.
Well. Almost.
Turns out there was one account that didn’t get reconnected. Our homeowners dues.
We got a bill from them every month, which I promptly put in the recycling. (After all, we were paying it online right?) Each month they would send us a statement of how grossly past due we were, and each month I would toss it.
Until the postman rang twice.
With a registered letter.
This letter let us know that we were six months behind in homeowners fees, and in addition to that, the penalties, and now LAWYERS fees, well let’s just say that we were thousands and thousands of dollars behind.
Oh – and this came in May – right when my income goes to zero.
To say that this was a stressful summer financially would be a gross understatement. This is the summer that we will spend two years recovering from.
(And yes. I open ALL of the mail now.)
Here are a few things I learned from our summer of financial ruin:
- Accept that money is not one partner’s responsibility. I tended to leave the money stuff to Roger, but the burden needs to be both of ours. While Roger is the leader of our home, we run it like a partnership – that means the rights and the responsibilities.
- When money times are tense, do everything within your power to cut spending. This summer we had a lot of “Pantry Meals” (eating things we already had in our pantry and freezer.) I kept our grocery budget to a minimum, only ran the air conditioning when it was sweltering hot, got clothes altered instead of buying new things, redecorated with paint instead of trips to Home Goods, and looked for free or cheap entertainment. I couldn’t make our debt go away, but I could do my best to contribute in any way I could see fit.
- Get help. Dave Ramsey and Crystal Paine have saved many a marriage. Check out their websites, and get on the same page with your spouse. It is marriage-empowering to actually do things together to save money. Be a cord cutter and get rid of cable. (We did, and we’ve lived to tell about it.)
- Get on the same side in your marriage. Yep- it’s frustrating when bills go unpaid or you’re not making as much as you used to. But blaming each other is a surefire way to add more stress to your marriage. Have a weekly meeting to go over finances and get on the same page. (We have a weekly “Food and Finances” night where we go over bills and then eat something delicious. It’s our little reward for being responsible adults.
- Pray specifically. Get VERY specific with God about your financial needs. God is not offended by your needing money help. Jesus talks about money all the time in the Bible. When Roger and I were having severe money issues, we spent a lot of time praying, and rejoiced every time God answered our prayers. It was a great boon to our marriage seeing God be so active in our need.
So what advice would you add to this list? Tell me in the comments below, and one commenter will win a four book marriage set, including The Husband Project, Praying God’s Word for Your Husband and two copies of The Marriage Project.
Resist the “stuff” expectations and wondering how other people do it. You may not be able to afford some of the things that you had when you were single, or that your friends/siblings & their kids have now, or that your parents were able to provide for you when you were younger. You can’t see savings/debt from the outside. Facing challenges with a positive attitude yields creativity and the fulfillment of doing it together. Thanks, Kathi, for all you do – really enjoy your humor and insight!
I would say in my particular case, that this financial stress is likely a season, and seasons change. I need to pray that God would teach me through this time of leanness.
Continue to tithe. It doesn’t seem logical, but we needed to put God first. When my husband and I did it, God rescued us from a house that was over 100% underwater.
The one that I would add is an addition to the 4th one, pray together about your needs and money. It is amazing how praying together (though it feels really awkward at first) really brings you together.
Thank you for this post 🙂 i needed it! As me and my hubby are going through financial difficulties right now, work is slow and we have cut back every where we could and sometimes i don’t know where else we could cut back on. I know God is faithful but when i pray for help with our finances, i feel like maybe i shouldn’t because then we’re is my faith? We tithe with whatever we have coming in, that is the one thing we put aside first 🙂 I see the toll it takes on my husband sometimes and i don’t know what else to do but encourage him and pray.
I actually can’t give any good advice because I need all the advice I can get and these are some wonderful suggestions! I have only married a little over a month and my husband and I seem to have an argument daily and most of the time it’s about finances. We have been friends for 13 years and dated for over two years before getting married and we never had arguments like we do now. He is co owner of his own company and brings in way more income than I do working at a doctor’s office and after paying for all of my personal bills like health insurance and a personal loan I took out before we were married, I am completely broke! My husband and I don’t share an account and he considers what money he makes his money only and if I am broke after paying bills and have to ask for a little help with gas money, I am made to feel like a horrible wife and bad at handling my finances. So all this advice is very helpful and I do pray every day not just for our finances but for our marriage in full. It just seems like no matter what I do, in his mind I’m not a good enough wife and we never we had these problems before we got married. I feel alone in my marriage and often cry myself to sleep. So the more advice from you amazing ladies, the better and thank you.
I don’t have any advice but I will be praying for you.
Thank you! Prayer is a very powerful thing and I will take all the prayers I can get!??
One thing I could suggest is expressing how you feel to your husband. He may not know that you are feeling this way. He could be clueless at the way he makes you feel and not communicating about it makes things get resentful fast! I too struggled in the beginning of my marriage but went the wrong route and didn’t let my husband know my needs, frustrations and fears. Remember your on the same team in a marriage. We find that combining our accounts worked better. Because after all once you get married you become one. It’s all about becoming one and keeping God number 1! It will get better as long as you keep your eyes on Jesus. Pray for your husband. Pray that God will work in his heart. Remember you can’t change him, only God can. My love goes out to you. If you get a chance read, Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. God used this book to open our eyes to simple things we thought we were doing right.
Naomi, this is great advice! Thank you for sharing!
We go to a marriage conference or weekend get-away (not too far) every year. We attended Financial Peace University (Dave Ramsey) one year that it was offered at our church. We had the cost of a babysitter to add to the class but it was worth it and we counted it as our marriage conference for that year. Dave’s budget gave us a neutral starting point to develop our own. God blessed our efforts to get out of credit card debit. Definitely recommend this class.
Danielle- yes!!! Gratitude not only helps our marriage, it helps our attitude – which also helps our marriage! Great Point.
I would add to thank God for what you DO have. I find that when I am focusing on being thankful I don’t feel the need to buy more “stuff.” When I stop being grateful I get caught up in the comparison trap and that can cause me to waste money.
Great tips! I also would add – accept the responsibility for things. If it’s your fault, admit it and change! It’s hard but it is the best way to change things. I am still working on it. Actually both – admitting and changing – are tough. I am working on building positive habits, routines and attitudes about everything.
Another thing would probably be, don’t be afraid of extra work. It will take your mind off of negative thinking because you will be busy, and of course will being extra money and will directly affect money problem :).
And yes, listen to Dave Ramsey!
Yana – all excellent advice. Thank you for that. Admitting our failures is hard but necessary if we are going to make real change in our live.
My husband changed jobs a month ago to begin working for our state. It comes with a pay increase and amazing benefits. The downside is he must be on probation through the headhunter that hired him for one year before he is hired in permanently—with through-the-roof, almost-crippling insurance premiums because the headhunter only employs a couple hundred people at a time. We even checked Samaritan Ministries and our state marketplace, but the savings were just not there for the marketplace and Samaritan refuses Type 1 diabetics (one of our children) Trying to keep the year that’s coming in perspective: that it’s ONLY a year. Circumstances are always in God’s hands, but it is a struggle sometimes to know what He would have us do. Praying and Looking for direction…
Christina – Yes- Only a year, but one that is filled with concerns. Stopped to pray for you and your family. That God would protect you and make His presence known.
Great advice! You didn’t mention Mary Hunt and her incredible book “Debt-Proof your Marriage”!
An AMAZING help for our marriage. It is a LIFE CHANGING book, by a Godly woman who knows of what she speaks too! Thank you for being such a wonderful resource to so many!
Kathleen, you are so right! I was thinking about what helped Roger and I. Mary just came into our lives recently (in fact, she was on our podcast! http://www.kathilipp.com/podcast/114-school-supplies-starbucks-and-debt-proof-living/) I’m going to update the article now!