I have a friend (we’ll call her Jesse,) who, over the years, has had, let’s say, a less than spectacular Mother’s Day each year.
It’s not that she doesn’t have a great husband – she does. But, her husband never really understood what a great Mother’s Day would be for Jesse. So he would do things she had asked for him to do months before – like repairing the screen door. Let’s just say that wasn’t what Jesse had in mind.
So years ago I suggested that she spell out EXACTLY what she would like for Mother’s Day. After three more years of disappointing Mom’s Days.
Jesse wrote her husband the following letter:
May 3, 2010
Hi Lovey,
I hope you receive this in the manner it is intended: to make Mother’s Day fun, your life easier and our day happier.
Here is a list of ideas that you might find helpful for Mother’s Day. No need to do all of these, feel free to choose from the list. I’d just like a day where for some part of it I feel special. If you or the kids do choose to go the gift route, please no candles, bubble bath, shower gel, lotion, manicure/pedicure certificates or perfume. If you guys decide to do something that’s not on the list, please let me know at the time because as you know I don’t get subtle hints. Also, I want to be able to thank you appropriately.
There is one non-negotiable. While I am not your mom, I am the mother of your children. At some point in the day please take the time to give me a hug, a smile and say thanks.
Ideas:
• Homemade cards from the kids (and you if you want, no pressure)
• A family walk or bike ride (I really enjoyed the hike)
• 2 hours in front of the TV to watch what I want, my way
• You and/or the kids could plan and execute at least one meal, or the whole day if you like (If you give me a grocery list before 8pm Saturday night I’ll even go get the stuff)
• Get the Sunday paper for me
• My choice: cookies or frozen yogurt (either you go get it or take me to get what I want)
• Take me to the store and let me purchase one magazine. Please don’t do this for me, I’d hate for you to get a duplicate because magazines can’t be returned.
• Send me to my room to read Dave Barry and laugh as loud and as long as I want
• Get fruit to make me a fruit salad – including any combination of the following: kiwi, cantaloupe, strawberries, blueberries, oranges, pineapple and/or pears
So that no one is surprised, these are the things I WILL NOT be doing on Mother’s Day:
• Laundry – to be done on Saturday (yes, I will need help)
• Cleaning the bathroom – again, to be done on Saturday
• Going out to eat – more trouble than it’s worth and every place will likely be crowded
One last thing. While life is unpredictable and no one can control anyone else, please consult with the kids to let them know that I’d like them to be on their best behavior for the day.
Thank you for helping me to have a great Mother’s Day. Love you. Jesse
Jesse’s husband THANKED her for the letter. He appreciated her spelling it out for him.
If there is one thing I have learned after writing two marriage books it’s this – the reason men stop trying to please their wives is that they fell like they will never get it right.
How do you think your husband would receive a letter like this? Or – having a frank conversation with him about what kind Mother’s Day would work for you?
How have you set expectations for how you celebrate your Mother’s Day in your house?
I think this is a great idea. I usually ask my husband to do something, like, could you please have the kids make me a card etc.
I Love this! I am doing it. Like the other posters, I share my day with My mom and my mother-in-law, but not together. We race to church, rush to bring MIL coffee and I may make her pancakes, then we rush to my mom’s for Brunch which lasts a good 2-3 hours. Then the father of my children who is also my husband will commence chores such as weed whacking his parents’ yard, changing the oil on his car, etc. These are things that need to be done and there is not much time to fit it all in with his schedule so I understand. What is brilliant about the letter is he will know that even the smallest nod in my direction will make for an immensly more enjoyable day for all.
I have to add my expectations for Mother’s Day are set pretty low. This way I am not hoping for what is impossible or improbable. Always in the back of my head swimming around in the visceral parts of me is the idea that Mother’s Day isn’t really for mothers. I know it sounds crazy, but really it is for the kids of all ages to take a moment out and stop taking moms for granted. To see the smiles on my young children’s faces when they give me something they have made and are so proud of is the best. I know they are learning to show appreciation. To give the elder women in our lives some attention and time is really a gift that in my opinion is a bigger reward for the giver. My mother always said every day is Mother’s Day and the Hallmark day is for the kids. I understand that better now that I’m a mom.
I’m still writing the letter!
Love this! Might have to try it. Not sure how it will be received, because my husband has been good about gifts and being thoughtful, but I also get the feeling that I do sometimes make him feel like he’ll never get it right, so he might appreciate having it spelled out.
And I have to agree with Julie, I have spent many Mother’s Days traveling to spend time with my mother-in-law and not having any sort of day to myself.
Not to trying to be too selfish, but I wonder at what point in my life Mother’s Day will be for me and not revolving around my mother (and mother-in-law) and some huge overpriced meal at a restaurant where my husband gets stuck paying. I’m the one with the young kids, not the grandma that pops in every so often.
I just had this conversation with my DH of 15 years, last Monday. I am so glad we have gotten over the idea that we are supposed to read each other’s minds!
LOVE this idea – I just wish I had seen it earlier! Not sure how the hubby would react but he couldn’t complain about not knowing what I wanted!!! Mother’s Day is NEVER about me – we head to church with my parents and then have lunch with them and we usually make it home just in time to pick up my MIL’s gift before dinner with them. Not a single second of the day is for me so this greatly bums me out, I keep hoping my hubby will either PLAN something for ME on that day (and therefore I wouldn’t look selfish for wanting one Mother’s Day!!!) or even on another day!!! No such luck. I found out last night (Wednesday) that we might not be having lunch with my parents b/c they might be going somewhere. I must admit I’m a bit annoyed that I wasn’t told earlier about this possible change. I won’t know until FRIDAY for sure if they’re going with their alternate plans and that will leave only four hours on Sunday to do anything before we have to celebrate with my MIL If we had known erlier that would have made planning a bit of special time for myself easier, so sadly if we don’t have lunch wth my parents I will probably have my normal Sunday – church and then taking care of the kiddo while Daddy is off working on his car or boat. Not so much of a celebration since this is my normal day.