I was 33 years old when I came to the very logical conclusion that the only way to stop the hurting was to kill myself.
I was in the depths of a very painful marriage where I never felt like I could do anything right. I was a mess. I knew I wasn’t a good wife, a good mother, or a good friend. All I could see around me were the people I was disappointing. I didn’t just feel helpless. Worse. I felt hopeless.
So I thought about how I would kill myself.
I didn’t want to hang myself – what if one of my kids found me?
Then I remembered that a radio personality I listened to on a regular basis in the Bay Area, Duane Garrett, had jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. But I was afraid I would not be able to go through it.
I considered all the possibilities, very rationally, very thoughtfully. As if I were trying to decide between chicken and beef for dinner that night.
I felt sure I would go through with my plan, until I thought about what would happen to my kids. I didn’t think my kids would miss me, but I was concerned that they would be raised without me. So, continuing in what I thought was totally logical thinking, that if we all died, that would solve all of the problems.
And that’s when I felt the snap.
There was something inside my soul that just broke. I remember feeling like I was splitting down the middle of a foggy lane, and I thought to myself, “What the HELL are you thinking? What mother ever thinks of hurting herself, much less her kids.”
That snap got me to run to my therapist, where I admitted for the first time that I thought about killing myself.
The words that were assigned to me were “Situational Depression”. I was given counseling and medication. I was prayed for and I was loved. I went to bible study, and I found hope.
But every time I hear about a suicide, I think about that time some many years ago. What if there was no snap?
What if I’d never ran to get help because I was in such a dark place, I couldn’t imagine that help existed?
I only have two reasons for writing about this:
1. I believe the more people who talk about their own battle with depression, the more we can all talk about it. I know for so long I felt like I had to wear a mask and keep up appearances because things would be taken away from me if I didn’t. My kids, my job, my friends. I felt like normal people didn’t go through what I was going through, and therefore, I didn’t deserve normal people things. So I kept hiding it until there was no me left.
But, if we can say that this happens to people, real people, and share our stories, we can give someone else the courage to safely share their story, their struggle. When we find out that we’re not a freak – that our struggles are real but not rare, we have a better chance of being able to connect with someone who has gone through the same thing, or who can help us get to a healthy place.
2. Each of us has a story. I wanted to cut my story short, because I couldn’t take the pain and I couldn’t see any good up ahead.
But only God can see around the corners.
I would have missed out on so much: my second husband, who is the love of my life,
my two beautiful kids, who make me laugh every day and bring good things to the world,
my bonus kids, who I can’t imagine my life without.
A job that makes me excited to get out of bed every. single. day.
And a life that God sets before me every day and and says, “I’m crazy about you. Come alongside me. We have great things to accomplish today!”
Your story is not done. God had great adventures for you. Only he can see the ending to your story.
If you’ve been in that dark place, would you do me a favor – could you share below what God had for you on the other side. Someone needs to read about it.
If you are in that dark place? Would you please, please, reach out to a safe person? A friend, a counselor, a doctor. Please. You don’t feel it now, but you are precious. You are irreplaceable. There are things that need to be done that only you can do. God says so.
And I’ve found that he turns out to be right over and over again.
Is this a place for only happy endings? I have done all of what you all have said and sometimes maybe more. I keep that plastic smile on my face so very few know what’s really going on. I guess I was hoping I finally found a place I could be honest. I truly am very happy for all of you who have found that way to be happy!
Liz, I hope you never give up. That light is at the end of the tunnel. And sometimes we get lost and have to find it yet again. It is always there, He is always there. You are loved. He loves you.
I was a single, 23 year old, newly graduated nurse living alone in a new town. I felt hopeless, helpless and faithless. I had thoughts of drowning myself. I sincerely believed that no one would miss me when I was gone. As I laid in that bathtub, God reveiled to me my “snap.” I knew that someday, who knew when, but someday, I would make an awesome wife and mom to my family. I did seek counseling with a psychotherapist. I made steps to move back closer to family and find a less stressful job. I am forever grateful that God placed the thoughts about a brighter future in my mind 4 years ago. Now, I have been married almost 3 years to a loving & Godly man and we have a sweet 2 year-old girl, named Faith.
Thank you, God, for loving me even when I could not.
Yep, I’ve been there. Almost went downstairs and took a whole bottle of pain pills because I couldn’t deal with more medical nightmares. Like you, the thought of my one-year-old baby boy was my “snap” moment. And on the other side? God led me to a whole new life dream that fills me with joy and purpose. I’ve made a 180-degree career change and can’t ever imagine going back. If I had to go through depression to get here, then it was worth it. I’m just glad I didn’t give up before I saw the other side!
(Really inspiring post, Kathi…Thanks for sharing!)
Thank you for sharing Sarah – so glad you heard the snap.
I became terribly depressed after I had a hysterectomy for endometriosis at 27. I couldn’t seem to convince my husband (now ex) or my doctor that something was wrong. You know how much some women struggle with menopause? I was having a sort of surgically induced menopause because they”d taken my ovaries. I hate doing too much information here but it’s to make a point about a type of depression many women endure. I was sleeping less than 2 hours a night and that was wrecking my emotions. I was so miserable one night I got out the gun we kept for protection since he worked nights. Then something snapped. This wasn’t me. I didn’t believe in suicide and couldn’t bear for my kids to lose their mom. I called the suicide hot line and they got me into a counselor the next day. She took one look at me–said I looked like a raccoon I had such dark circles under my eyes– and insisted I keep at the doctor until they did something. I was put on hormones–can you believe the doctor had denied them to 27 year old who was enduring a surgically induced menopause? Two weeks later I was so much better. I didn’t have to take antidepressants but I went to therapy for several months to deal with how I’d felt through the past months’ ordeal l and to learn to speak up for myself better. My people pleasing had kept me too quiet with that doctor and my family. Depression can be caused not just by situations but also by chemical factors and we have to be aware to help ourselves and others.
Oh Barbara – thank God for that counselor. Yes – chemical makeup is a huge part of this. The improtant thing is to get help!
Thank you so much, Kathi, for sharing your story and giving us a place to share ours.
There is power in numbers, to know we are not alone.
I wrote a little about my depression today on my blog: http://www.gillianmarchenko.com/depression-can-longer-elephant-room/
Gillian – thank you for sharing. Love your book Sun Shine Down. Such an honest look at what this is all about.
What I found on the other side: a full, healthy life with a new career I love, great friends, a successful band, vegetarianism (huh?), yoga (what?). Overall, a new perspective that my life can be better than anything I can even imagine.
Yes Matthew yes – I am so surprised by my life every single day. I love that it’s that for you!
I hid the depression with the birth of my 4th son. Smiled through it. Snuggled with my baby boy. Listened to all the “worldly” comments about all boys and our family makeup. I hurt so bad having ALL boys as I truly ached for a girl. Our 5th pregnancy was a surprise. I convinced myself “God blessed us with a girl!” that I so longingly desired. When we found out it was another boy, I selfishly died inside. I couldn’t function. Pulled away from my children. Cried constantly. The day I snapped was when I was driving in our mini-van and considered pulling in front – head on – to a semi-truck that was speeding down the road. I immediately started counseling throughout the pregnancy & 4 months after. I am blessed! A beautiful family of 5 boys! He is truly a joy and makes me laugh every single day – I can’t imagine my life without our 5th son. Then…. at the age of 40, I became pregnant again. Both my husband & I were stunned. All the thoughts came rushing in “What if it’s a 6th boy?!?” and I can firmly state that I was at complete peace with that fact. Only to have a girl. I giggle all the time because I know that God’s timing is perfect. He personally showed it to me. Multiple verses that I leaned on during my 4th & 5th son… “For I know the plans I have for you” and “Trust in the Lord with all your heart” in a different state of mind ring through my mind now. I know I’m not doing all my thoughts justice in this post but there were and continue to be so many lessons learned throughout the years. I have always been a “happy” person. Constantly commented on the smile I wear and how I make others feel happy. But the depression was there. It’s real. I lived through it. If you suffer, seek help. Thank you Kathi for this post and continued support in my life.
Wow Joanne – that is an amazing story. I love how God heals each of our heats!!!
Thank you for this post today. I have felt the same way you did for years. I often think about killing myself. It seems everything in life is off kilter. I grew up in a home with no love and because of that I suffer from social anxiety. I married a wonderful man who has stood by through the good and the bad for over thirty five years now and that has really been helpful. I finally tried to get help seven years ago when my oldest was ready to leave home. My husband and children are my whole life and I didn’t know how to handle him leaving home. Needless to say I became depressed. Today, after trying to get help I finally found a doctor that believes that I need something more then just talking it out. In the last two months I find myself looking more toward God and I hope to find the “snap” one day.
Susan,
Keep seeking God, His promises are always reliable, and as you earnestly seek Him, He will comfort you, and you will become a new creation in Him. I am sorry that you are struggling. I pray God’s peace and joy in your life, and look forward to hearing your after story. Be well sister. <3
Thanks Laura.
Susan I hope you do too. The fact that you are looking more towards God and found a great doctor is an amazing combination!
Thank you for posting this story. I was a mental health counselor for 18 years and worked with adults who had depression. When it happened to me,I was shocked. My husband lost his job in Florida in 2007. We eventually lost our savings, retirement and finally had to sell our home. We took part time jobs we hated just to survive in a crazy upended world. When the day came and I thought I could not even get out of bed, and then when I did, started to pick which vehicle I’d drive my car in front of,I finally understood where I was. Depression can happen to anyone. Thankfully, my husband and I began to talk more about our feelings and I realized how my daughter would feel if we did anything–he was as depressed as me. What hits me most is how we fake it. I remember walking into grocery stores and as I stood in line, I prayed the clerk would ask me how I was –anyone –to help me. I think about that now in my interactions with others. All it takes is a kind word or by letting someone know you care.
“depression can happen to anyone…” YES! Thanks so much for sharing Terri!
Thank you Kathi! As you know, I have been there too, as has my husband. It is a long road, and not a straight road, as I find there are often dips and turns, but it is one worth traveling. Once you reach that point though the dips and turns dont seem as big, and you have more tools to handle them. What is at the other end? Peace, the deep down in your soul, “Youre gonna make it after all” peace. The things you would have missed, and did miss while you were depressed, become so much clearer and in focus. That may not make a lot of sense but its the best way I have to describe it. The little things become big things in a good way, you enjoy those walks on the beach a little more, the smiles of those you love become even brighter and those little every day triumphs that your kids have? Well you want to throw a parade and tell the world, because you are just damn grateful to have seen them. Gratitude, that is what you have at the other side. So much gratitude, that you didnt do the unthinkable, that you knew enough to reach out and then accept the help you were being offered, gratitude that you found the light at the end of the tunnel. Thats my journey
My mom died when i was 19 years old. I got married when I was 21. I remember very little about that time because I kept myself really busy, or I went really…dark. I was grieving the loss of my mom and had no words. Staying busy was my therapy–until I became overwhelmed. in the next few years, we added three children and pretty soon I was too busy. We were part of a church plant, our marriage was failing and I remember going home after church and not preparing lunch. I went to bed and covered my head and sobbed convulsively for hours. I had no words for my husband or my children. I remember my husband bringing me a burrito bedside, but I cried so much I can’t remember eating it. There was just this undercurrent of not being worthy and not being good enough that kept me so busy trying to earn my right to occupy space on this planet, the right to consume food, the right to even be remembered by others from one meeting to the next. I moved through the world as if I were invisible. I eventually went to counseling (3 times a week for 10 months!) and lots of changes happened. I learned truly that God loved me, that my husband did not love me and that I could learn to accept God’s love and love myself. I could enjoy my children as a single mom and provide for them just fine. I could pursue the things that God put on my heart because they were there for a reason. He brought me the most wonderful second husband, who loves me like no one else ever has. I am grateful everyday for those ten months of counseling and the foundation it gave me to grow into the woman God wanted me to be–and we aren’t done yet!
Chris, I’m glad you got help!
Oh, Kathi…this message spoke directly to my heart today. Thank you. I needed these words in a very personal way. Hugs to you, my friend. Thank you for your transparency and your encouragement!!