Friends- this is Kathi – I’m thrilled to have Fawn Weaver NYT best seller and president for the Happy wives club. You all know that I saw fawn at her TEDx talk about the argument free marriage- and I begged her to come here on the blog and share her secrets. You’re going to love her…
Titling an article, “The #1 Secret to Ending Arguments in Marriage” takes a whole lot of guts. Especially, when the person writing it is not a family therapist, marriage counselor, and has no “D” behind her name (PhD, MD, etc.). But I do have something I hope will, at the very least, cause you to want to read to the bottom of this page.
I have an amazing marriage.
I have loved every moment of being married since 2003.
The sound of my husband’s voice still gives me butterflies and the happy dance I began doing the day I fell in love with him continues on to this day.
Here’s the thing. And it’s going to sound crazy, I know.
My husband and I have never argued. Never. And before you begin to think that one of us is a doormat, or sweep things under the rug, let me assure you neither of us is wired that way. We’re both incredibly strong willed individuals with great conviction about what we believe.
There is, however, one thing we have consistently done to communicate better with one another from day one: we stick to the original emotion. In my recently released book, The Argument-Free Marriage, this has -by far- been the number one thing readers have asked me about so I like to share this story.
Several years ago, I came home for lunch in the middle of my work day and did something I’d never done before. I sat on the couch and turned on the television.
I am a believer that all things happen for a reason.
My usual departure from running around the kitchen, stuffing something into my mouth and then heading back to work was –I believe- so I could share this with you.
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On my television screen that day sat Rosie O’Donnell on the couch that made Oprah the “queen of talk.” Attempting to make reparations to her image, Rosie talked about the huge fight between her and iconic journalist Barbara Walters, which resulted in O’Donnell leaving the Emmy-award-winning show The View.
Oprah asked, “Do you regret that moment?”
“Yes, I do,” O’Donnell responded. She said she regretted using her words as weapons and how her out-of-control rage “scared” Walters.
What O’Donnell said next confounded even the talk-show host herself: “For me, at that moment, if I had been braver, I would have just cried and said, ‘You really hurt my feelings.’”
Clearly dumbfounded, Oprah clapped her hands as if having one of her famous aha moments and said, “That is so interesting! That you would say, ‘If I had been braver, I would have just cried.’ Because oftentimes crying is perceived as the weak thing to do.”
She then asked O’Donnell why crying would have been braver than yelling and saying hurtful words.
“Because then you’re vulnerable. Then the authentic feeling that I had, [which] was pain and hurt and rejection [would have come out].” Instead, as she told Oprah, she put on the same armor she’d chosen to protect her since she was a child. She shielded her vulnerability, and masked her hurt feelings, with anger.
Consider the last time you were in an argument with your spouse. Hold that thought there for a brief moment, but don’t allow yourself to become angry all over again. Now that you have the thought in your mind, let’s talk about it.
What was the exact thing that set you off? I’m talking about what you felt, not what you discussed. What was your original emotion in that moment? Was it hurt? Fear? Sadness? Disappointment? Insecurity? What portion of your underbelly was exposed?
When we become angry enough to begin arguing, especially with someone we love as much as our spouse, we have allowed the original emotion—which would expose our vulnerability—to be covered up by a more aggressive, defensive response.
[Tweet “When we become angry enough to argue, we cover up our emotions with a more defensive response.”]
Rather than exposing the softer side of ourselves, we put up a shield and pull out our verbal sword and begin swinging. We swing left, we swing right, aimlessly out of control and missing the target every time. Yes, we may slice and dice the heart of our spouse, but we miss the mark because we’ve not dealt with the true emotion we’re feeling.
My husband, Keith, and I talk about everything. And I mean everything. We don’t suppress or repress our feelings and we never say things under our breath. We don’t sweep anything under the rug. If he does something I don’t like, I let him know it. When I do something he’s not very fond of, you better believe he lets me know. From an early age, I’ve always been a bit of a fire piston. And Keith is the strongest man I know.
And yet, we’ve never argued. How is that even possible?
Most of us are taught from an early age that arguing is normal. Getting mad is how couples communicate when upset. We are shown how to guard our true feelings and emotions by protecting our hearts. We learn that it’s better to go on the offensive than to find ourselves exposed. The problem with all this in marriage is that learned behavior leads to blind conversations. You’re never really fighting about what it is you think you are fighting about.
Sticking with the original emotion—remaining in a place of vulnerability—is the crux of bypassing arguments and getting to the heart of a matter. Mutual vulnerability and respect allows you both to lay it all out on the table. Your dreams, hopes, ambitions, fears, hurt … nothing is off-limits.
We can’t keep everything bottled inside. We all need to have that one person we can be completely honest with about our perceived failures, hurts, successes, and hopes. We need to have at least one person who will love and respect us unconditionally. Who better than the one who shares your bed at night to share your deepest desires also?
As Rosie O’Donnell reminded us all through her uncontrolled rage that fateful day in Barbara Walters’ dressing room: there is great wisdom in sticking with the original emotion, if we would just be brave enough to be vulnerable.
Fawn Weaver is a USA Today and New York Times bestselling author, businesswoman, marriage advocate, regular contributor for the Huffington Post and BRIDES.com, a TED Talk alum, and founder of the Happy Wives Club. Her blog of the same name—spontaneously launched while she was simultaneously working as a hotel general manager—has garnered international media recognition and has been featured on media outlets, such as, The Los Angeles Times, New York Daily News, ABC, NBC, BBC, Fox News, SELF Magazine, Huffington Post, ESSENCE Magazine and Popsugar, to name a few. She’s been hosted on more than 35 television and radio programs in Australia, New Zealand, Spain, Canada, UK, Poland and Ireland. Her blog, HappyWivesClub.com, has attracted more than 10 million visitors, is followed by nearly 1 million people on social media and was twice named the Best Marriage site by the readers of About.com.
For a chance to win all three of the books featured this week, leave a comment below!
Really needed this. Would love the books for my wife and I.
Great advice. Humbling myself, dealing with the crux of the matter, instead of defending myself. Wish I had learned this 30 + years ago. Will try to be more intentional beginning today. Also wonderful advice to share with my daughter. Thank you.
This makes so much sense and is so obvious but I’ve never heard anyone actually recommend it. I know that I would so love to be able to be vulnerable but I realize that I usually become angry to cover my pain. I have all my life. I honestly cannot imagine being cared for enough to be allowed to be real. My husband doesn’t get angry but he doesn’t really share his deep feelings with me either. I get angry and sad and he gets quiet and distant. So, how do you get honest with a husband that doesn’t want to go there??
Would love these books! Great article.
I really like this idea. Time to be brave.
Thank you for this post. It presented a new point of view I had not considered before, but is so true for me. I think this will allow me to reframe anger situations to communicate more effectively with my spouse.
Thank you for the great advice! I had never thought about how I use emotions like anger to cover up my disappointment.
Good advice for any relationship.
Wow! This info would have been nice 32+ years married and 3 children ago. These books are still needed.
I will try this advice! it makes a lot of sense and hopefully will help!
Our marriage could really use this! I feel I’ve actually been trying this, but it seems my vulnerability shuts my husband down emotionally even more. Could use much more insight from the book! Thanks for great words of encouragement & the give away!
What great advice! It makes so much sense and yet I have never heard it put this way before. Stay in the original emotion….I am excited to start practicing this. Blessings
Excellent point – being vulnerable is brave! And so right and correct in marriage.
Good points to think about and try to stick to which can be difficult. Prayer definitely helps!
When I was married to my ex, there was barely a day that went by without an argument. He was abusive, but I said my share of hurtful words.
I’m determined not to do that this time around. So far, so good. No arguments. One thing I’m doing differently is to pray for God to help me to see him through God’s eyes. When I do that, I find that I can talk about things rather than get angry about them. I have a different perspective.
I struggle with this a lot. My husband often has to stop the conversation and ask, “What are we really talking about.” I would love to read this book!
This is celebratory, thank you. I will try to keep it in mind the next time I need to express my feelings to my husband.
Great tip/reminder on sticking with the original emotion!
Yes, please! I need these! Thank you, Fawn for some wise advice.
What a great insight. I find myself often coaching friends to keep the main thing the main thing. and I think so many times we don’t fight “fair” because we are so busy defending ourselves so we don’t have to look at our “junk”. Great insights. The book would be amazing.
Love the post and glad to learn about Fawn’s book. Would enjoy winning the three, but glad to know about them regardless.
I had heard about Fawn’s new book, and wasn’t sure I ‘subscribed’ to the thought that arguments were bad…but this article helps me to understand the title better. Controlling your response, to not possibly sin in our anger, just sit in your emotion, that’s definitely something to practice. Thank you.
“brave enough to be vulnerable” – wow, love that!
I understand that truth sets us free.,(per the Bible John 8:32). That said sharing true emotions in a kind way would open the path to freedom and healing.
Bobbie
Wow. This could profoundly change my marriage. Looking to put this into practice starting today.
What a great article! She is right on target. We so often deal with the surface issues rather than the deeper causes. I love her example of healthy communication. Sounds like a great read!
What great insight… it is hard to be so vulnerable… especially when the default is to “skip over” the original emotion. Going to be hard to program my mind to stay with the feeling and not cover it up!
I love this. And I would love to win the books. My husband and I never fight. We always thought maybe there was something wrong? Maybe we should be fighting, etc… But I am so happy to hear there are others that don’t fight. We set up our marriage on communication from the very beginning we were so intentional. I believe it has made all the difference for us.
I love this! While I feel like our marriage is very strong, I also feel like breaking down is a sign of weakness, and my husband doesn’t see it as a show of hurt feelings.
Great insight on not only where or how we derail ourselves in our ways of communicating, but also solid tips on how to get back on track. Thanks Fawn & Kathi!
I really need this book!! My hubby feels all we do is argue. All I try to do is discuss things with him but never get feedback or responses from him. This sounds like something we should read and apply! Thanks for the chance to win!
Rachel, you’re the winner of the books for today’s post! Please send your mailing address to my Ministry Manager at sherri @ kathilipp dot com (type as a normal email address, of course!).
I really appreciate this article.I have found that to be true in all relationships ,it just doesn’t come naturally,it takes a concentrated effort to make it a new habit.
I could definitely use some help in my marriage.
Really great article and information. Would love to win any of these books by amazing authors, thanks so much for the chance.
Awesome! First guy on here. Definitely great advice. Too often I resort to being angry or mad in an argument with my wife. To remain vulnerable is counterintuitive, yet so “simple” of an idea. Thanks for advice. Looking forward to rest of the week.
Wow, that is a powerful story. Anger is such a quick, automatic response that this will be hard to remember in the moment 🙁 but it has a lot of truth to it. I know I need to try!
killing your pride is hard but worth it
These would hopefully help us define our thoughts more clearly without the hurt. I would love to win these books.
Love this!! I want to be a better wife!!
Great article! I would love these books. Thanks!
I wish I had read this yesterday. My husband and I said hurtful things to each other last night, and if I had stuck with my original emotion of disappointment, the whole thing would not have happened. Thank you!
I really need this advice – my marriage is in a shambles. I would buy all the books if I could afford them! Thank you for this chance to win!!
Vulnerability is hard!
And there’s nothing worse than being vulnerable, naming the emotion, and being told “that’s your problem”.
I’d love to win these books! Awesome giveaway:)
Love this. Sign me up. Vulnerability might take some prayer and like the author said, courage.
Great information…..so true if you argue and ignore the root you have not resolved anything.
My husband and I really need this.