Hey friends- this is kathi. you are going to love my friend sheila wray gregoire and her thoughts on sex (yes – it is for you, too!) I love how she honors marriage, wives and husbands all in one fell swoop. don’t forget to comment at the end and be entered in to win all five of our books featured this week!
Today’s post is taken from Sheila Wray Gregoire’s new book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.
[Tweet “Sex is for you too! @sheilagregoire and how to make #sex and your #marriage great! #bettermarriage5”]
My husband and I have been married for 24 years and happily married for 21.
Most of our early problems were with sex. It was uncomfortable, icky, and awkward. The more Keith wanted it, the more I felt he only loved me for what I could do for him. So I would pray, “God, please help him see how much he’s hurting me. Help him just to love me again.” I’d pour out my heart, certain that the God who wipes away tears would hear me and answer me.
I did everything I felt the church had told me to do: I prayed. I cast my cares on God. I drew close to Jesus. Yet my prayers didn’t work. Keith still wanted sex! And he still got grumpy when I wasn’t frisky.
I wanted a marriage where my husband understood and cherished and valued me. Didn’t I deserve that? So what was Keith’s problem? And more to the point, what was God’s problem? I was doing my part, after all.
After I had prayed for two exhausting years that Keith would start caring about me, God put a thought into my head: Do you believe the only one who can fix this relationship is Keith? Don’t you have something to do with it?
I didn’t particularly like that thought, and so I vehemently argued with myself–and with God–about why changing was impossible. Even if we only considered sex, how was I supposed to enjoy something so gross and uncomfortable?
Then another thought hit me even harder: If God says that sex is good, and the whole world says that sex is good, maybe you should start figuring out how to make sex good.
[Tweet “God showed @sheilagregoire that she needed to figure out why #sex wasn’t good. #bettermarriage5”]
I was stunned. If that thought was right, then the responsibility fell on me to do something about my struggle. I had to stop thinking sex was awful and start thinking, Sex is great—I just don’t have it all figured out yet. The problem may have started in the bedroom, but it wasn’t a problem with sex. It was a problem with how I was thinking.
A lot of us in church have awfully lousy thinking about sex. Maybe it’s for good reason–we were sexually abused or assaulted; we grew up thinking sex was shameful; we are burdened by a promiscuous past.
But then there’s the added burden that the Christian message about sex throws at us, and it goes something like this:
Just do it! Men need it, and if you don’t satisfy him, he’ll be super-tempted and might fall.
Wow, has anyone ever considered how totally UNsexy that message is? Just have sex–or your husband will cheat on you! Definitely not cool.
And also definitely a misunderstanding of what God created sex for.
You see, what I learned in my sexual journey is that there is a vast difference between just having sex and making love. Having sex has to do with the body; making love is an intimate joining on so many levels–physical, spiritual, and emotional. And actually, the closer you are emotionally and spiritually, the better the physical feels anyway!
The church is getting so concerned with things like porn that sometimes we give the “Just Have Sex” message a little too much, without elaborating on WHY we should just have sex. So let me share with you some of the things that I needed to learn about why sex is great for me, too (and not just for my husband!). When I started thinking this way about sex, then suddenly I wasn’t searching for my “No Trespassing” flannel nightgown anymore:
Sex helps you “let go”
We women have a non-stop to-do list in our brains every minute of the day. But sex is a way to turn all of that off and just feel. You don’t have to think. You don’t even have to do much of anything. You just get to experience your husband.
With sex, you can’t be a control freak. You have to let it just happen–or it won’t feel very good. That chance to turn off your brain, for just a few minutes, is a real gift.
Sex helps us sleep
How many times have you said, “not tonight, because I’m just too tired,” only to toss and turn all night because you know your husband is disappointed. And then the next day you’re so defensive you push him away?
But the nights that we do make love I fall asleep almost immediately and sleep so deeply! So now when I’m tired, I say, “Come put me to sleep, Baby!”
Making love helps you feel closer
When Keith and I haven’t made love in a while, it drives me nuts that he bites his nails. On the days after we do connect, though, I don’t even notice.
Making love truly covers a multitude of minor annoyances.
When you connect, you feel closer. You feel like, “everything’s okay.” We’re a team. When you don’t, then you’re always a little defensive about the relationship. And that’s why we tend to get more ticked off by little things!
Making love helps us “know” each other
No one else knows the things about me that Keith does, because this is something we only experience together. And the longer we’ve been married, the more “wild” I can be. It’s like everything that we do can become truly sacred, because we’re doing it together.
I feel this most after a fight. After we’ve let words fly perhaps a little too fast, and we’ve emptied ourselves emotionally, suddenly we’re so drawn to each other. We’ve become so vulnerable with each other that we need to connect even more.
It was the same the night that our son died. There we were, in total and complete anguish, and we turned to each other. Not because we were turned on in any way, but because there was this gaping hole that only the other person could fill. And we needed that intimacy.
Our culture–even our Christian culture–has made sex seem like it’s just for men. And it’s reduced sex to something purely physical. But it’s not. Making love is so much more. You empty yourself. You bare yourself. You truly see each other. And then, after all that, you can truly relax and find peace. That’s a wonderful gift!
And if sex can do all that, and you’re not experiencing it yet, don’t settle for that! Make this the most fun research project you’ve ever done with your husband. God made sex to be amazing. When we start believing that, and stop believing all the gross things we’ve heard about sex, then maybe, just maybe, we can truly make love, too.
Get your FREE ebook – 36 Ways to Bring Sexy Back to Your Marriage now!
Sheila Wray Gregoire is the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 9 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage. If you feel stuck in your marriage–and even your sex life–9 Thoughts will help you see the options God has available to you–and help you see how God wants to help you get unstuck! Sheila blogs daily at ToLoveHonorandVacuum.com.
Thank you for this article! I needed to read this!!! Thank you again!!
what about husband using pornography , anger + control
Thank you for the encouragement. You are right…growing up we get “trained” to think of sex in a negative way. Our parents don’t want promiscuous daughters, so they tell us “sex is bad & you shouldn’t be doing it”…not even realizing that someday…sex will be “good” and we SHOULD be doing it! I have been married for 12 years…trying to overcome the programming that my parents gave me as a young person…I have to say that articles like yours HELP a lot. I now feel the difference between “sex” and “making love”. I am grateful to my husband for his patience & understanding all these years. My parents told me sex was bad for MUCH longer than 12 years…it takes a long time to “retrain” your brain! With the love of my husband, the new programming is becoming the norm 🙂
So many comments in this blog just hit home for me. Thank you for being so vulnerable and transparent in your writing. May God continue to bless you and your marriage.
Thanks for doing a giveaway. I liked the article.
The Lord’s timing is perfect! Came across this article a few minutes after praying for ways to show my good man how much I appreciate him.
I love being intimate with my hubby (see, I have trouble even USING the word sex!!), but I never initiate it!!! I don’t know if I feel shame, intimidated, self-conscience, just plain scared, or all of the above. Would love the help and advice I would find in these books!
Thanks for the info! I have found this blog and books to be extremely helpful to me as I prepare to be married. I am thirty and he is in his forties and we decided to WAIT until we are married and God is truly blessing us. It seems as we share our testimony of waiting even other Christians are in awe but also encouraged. Our desire is that God gets all of the glory.
Thank you for being so open and sharing your heart, Sheila.
Great advice. Can’t wait to bring back the romance once again. A reminder that we need to make our marriages priority. It’s so easy to let other things get in the way. Looking forward to spicing it up again. Thank you.
I am not yet married, but by all those blogs and articles I figure that there is a lot to learn, but maybe sometimes stop the always ongoing worrying.
Such a good reminder of the things making love does for us too. Thank you.
Thank you:) God has such fun ideas:)
Thank you for sharing Sheila & everyone else.
Well written, Sheila! I love these thoughts. Sex has always been somewhat of an issue in our marriage, and lately, with the addition of our second little one, it’s even more difficult. I’ve definitely fallen into the “just do it” way of thinking lately – it’s time for that to change!
Sarah, you’re the winner of the books for today’s post! Please send your mailing address to my Ministry Manager at sherri @ kathilipp dot com (type as a normal email address, of course!).
Thanks! I’m going through a slump right now. I need some encouragement.
8 months pregnant and needed to read this today. Lots of struggles with finding a comfortable position, stamina, and feeling guilty.
Thanks so much for writing about sex! As Christian, Godly women I think we often feel it isn’t right to discuss it, but this has helped me to see that many other women struggle with the same things that I do in this area. And we’re also loving all of your awesome ideas. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thanks for this article. These are some GREAT tips.
Thank you so much for this series!
I’m engaged to be married in less than 2 months and reading things like this really helps me feel prepared to start my marriage off well. Thank you 🙂
🙂 awesome!
Thank you. My husband heartily approves of your advice, especially when I follow it. He occasionally points me to specific posts on To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, and would be excited if he saw me reading the books. I have good intentions, but with five kids, one of whom is still waking frequently to nurse and cuddle, it’s easy to get caught up in Mom Mode and forget to be a wife, too.
I appreciate that we are talking about this in the Christian culture. It is so needed on so many levels! I just got done with the Bible study Passion Pursuit and this is a great reminder to keep making those positive changes.
Life is beginning again for me this weekend! I read your book to help remind and encourage me. My first husband and I enjoyed a 30 year marriage before he died with cancer. Our sex life was minimal the last years of our marriage. It has been five years since his death. Your book about Good Girls has helped me mentally prepare and look forward to the days ahead with my new husband! Thank you!
Not really easy to read, but if I’m honest, words I needed to read.
With a 5,3, and 1 year old, sex is not the first thing on my mind. However, I want to make sure my husband is satisfied and all of the points in this article were spot on! I need to step up my game! Thank you.
Amazing post. This is an experiment that I hope to tackle with my husband soon.
Great reminder as my husband and I just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary!
Thank you for this! Often with little ones, jobs, school and all of the daily tasks we have in our lives, I find myself putting my husband’s needs at the end of the list! Time to prioritize and ask God to help me remember to put our marriage at the top of my to do list!
Wonderful article! I appreciate the insight 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing, loving this week!
So freeing to view intimacy in this way! I think I need to pick up a few new marriage books. Oh wait, maybe I’ll win them instead 😉
I am living proof that “just have sex and your husband won’t cheat” doesn’t work. I’m so glad there is better advice than that out there 🙂
I really appreciate this perspective; and am confident that my guy and I will be much better in our sex life!
Thank you Sheila! I so appreciate your godly, practical advice and perspective.
I totally agree with you. I’ve been married for 30 years and the older we get the better it gets. We are both Christians and trying to keep Christ 1st and our marriage 2nd (even above our 3 children) has really helped.
Just heard you on Focus on the Family too:) Thanks for your honesty and words of encouragement to all of us ladies who long to love and honor our husbands with our actions and our words (and with whoopie!)
interesting.
I’m going to be getting your book whether I win the giveaway or not. Thank you for sharing your perspective and not, as you point out, the message of just do it or your husband will find someone who will. What could get a wife in the mood more than imagining who that other willing woman might be?? Ha!
Thank you for sharing and helping other women lern to enjoy sex as God intended!
Another topic to keep on learning about!!!!!!
Great encouragement. I wish it were as simple as saying “sex is good, so go enjoy”. I’ve been trying to learn to enjoy it for years already with hardly any improvement. No physical issues that I know of, no outright pain, but I just don’t get turned on or feel much no matter what he does. It certainly doesn’t help me sleep when I’m left hanging afterward. In some ways, I think I want it more than my husband, but I think we’re both conflicted about not being mutually satisfied. I’m really stuck.
A much- needed article for all women at any season of marriage. Well-written and words many women need to hear.
Thank you for writing about sex in marriage. I grew up in a very strict church that taught sex was a bad thing and not to be discussed or thought about. Those teachings have been imbedded in my brain and heart. Thus, leaving me with NO desire for sex. My lack of desire has been a point of contention during my 19 year marriage and is now getting to the point of divorce because of it. It is very difficult to retrain myself to think that sex is good after so many years of the church saying it was bad. I appreciate your writings and hope they are helping me overcome this.
Insightful! I’m wondering if sex can still be great as my body changes during the menopause year….
Just the topic my friend and I chatted about on our am walks this week – I’m sharing this post with her right away. Thank you 🙂
I love reading Sheila’s advice. I’m ashamed to say I don’t take it and run with it though. I have the problem of being to tired every night.
Great blogpost! I can related to a lot of this! I’m a newlywed (August!), so I really want to do the best I can for my husband. I would love to win this Giveaway for these books. I’ve been craving reading good books that are Christian, yet can give great tips on how to love my spouse well!
I needed to get out of the phase that I had the Prize so why should I take the effort any more. I began doing my hair, makeup and nails again and to my surprise, hubby enjoyed it! I will take any advise you gals dish out because every little bit helps! Thanks!
You are certainly correct about the annoyance thing. If we are close, nothing bothers me, the opposite is also true.
Thanks for these encouraging words and for challenging us to honor God in our marriages in all ways! Even sex!
Thanks for such a positive and uplifting perspective!
Great post!
Thank you for this blog post! Perfect timing for me.
Thank you Sheila for your wise words. 32 years of marriage have not made me an expert in this department but I would love to do better! Would love to win the books.
Great article and information. I’ve been married almost 20 years and have struggled with low sex drive for most of it. Thank you for being so open. I know that in my case my problem stems from sexual abuse as a child. I hope someday I can overcome this issue and be the kind of wife my husband deserves.
Thank you Sheila for being so outspoken when so many Christian wont talk about “that”! When my husband and I first got married, we didn’t have sex for the first time for 3 weeks (we literally couldn’t! And I blamed myself for being “to small” and not good enough)!! Then once we got pregnant just over a year later, we had sex maybe a handful of times during the pregnancy because it hurt to much. Finally 5 months after our son was born, we were able to really have sex again. And I got pregnant! The cycle started again. We now have a 22 month old and 9 month old and are thinking about getting pregnant again soon. We have a great sex life right now but I am a little worried about once I get pregnant (I think that may be why my husband doesn’t want to have another one quite yet). I am thankful for your books and wise words that I know will help guide us through it.
Need these words of wisdom and encouragement. the timing is couldn’t be better! Thankyou.
Ah! The “you have to have sex with your husband or else he will cheat on you” IS soooooo unsexy! Talk about having to preform instead of enjoy sex. I am unlearning that mind set , and there’s a whole other world of delicious married sex that I had no idea about! One baby step at a time, right?
I KNOW! I often wonder if people know what they sound like when they say things like, “men need it every 72 hours, and if they don’t get it they’re going to be so tempted to look elsewhere. That’s how affairs start.” There is some truth to that, of course. Guys do struggle with dealing with the feelings after it builds up. But there are way different ways of wording it that don’t make it sound like he’s a walking temptation ready to cheat at any time.
Great stuff!! So helpfull!!
My husband and I have been married for almost 28 years. It took forever for me to be OK with the way things are! Now, I’m more than OK!! I also enjoy it and want to make my husband happy, as well!! We’re happier than we’ve ever been!! I just wish I had come to this conclusion much much earlier in our marriage! Thank you for helping women in all stages of marriage!!
Thanks for being REAL! I am in a season right now that I really could benefit from the resources of these books. Thanks for all the encouraging posts and ideas you share with us.
Thank you! Finally someone sharing real ideas to use in real life!
thank you for your vulnerability
Thanks so much for your candor and that of your commenters. Frequency seems to be our issue. A month can go by. Ideas?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with scheduling sex if you have to, at least to get back “in the groove”. For women libido is largely a “use it or lose it” phenomenon. The longer you go without sex, the less you need it or think about it. We have to jumpstart it again!
I also have a great project that couples can do together called 31 Days to Great Sex. (Don’t worry, it’s not 31 Days OF sex. It’s 31 days of quick challenges culminating in great sex. Mostly it helps you talk and figure out what feels good and address some issues. And gets you out of a slump!)
Thank you for your wonderfully encouraging thoughts!
Love the part about sex and sleep; when I am tossing and turning, I say,” Come be my sleeping pill.”
Billy Graham’s daughter Gigi described an evening with her husband that began with a fight and him walking out the door to go for a drive. Gigi began praying. She took a bath to relax, dabbed on his favorite perfume and slipped into her most appealing nightie. When he returned, he found his wife ready for a ‘hot’ night! She said that it was the best way to reconcile, and wished they gotten to it sooner! I have kept that as a reminder in my own marriage, and it works. What seems to be a mountain disintegrates with making love!
Love that story! And yep. There really is such a thing as make up sex. And in many situations, it totally works!
This article was totally eye-opening! Thank you!
I’m so thankful that during my premarital counseling, I had a godly older woman who taught me a proper view of sex within marriage—about how fun and exciting it was, not just a chore or something for him. It makes me sad that not all women have someone like that in their lives, but I truly hope they’re reading blogs like this and Sheila’s to get the same type of teaching. Thanks, ladies!
As I was reading this, I thought — “I need that book!!!” This is SO me! It’s exactly how I feel about sex – it’s all for him, one more thing I have to do before I can rest, or unable to sleep because I know I have disappointed him, followed by the “bad wife” rant in my head because the Bible tells me to submit to my husband.
I would love to win this set of books. And after I read them, I would pass them on to my daughter, who only 4 years into her marriage and two kids, has hinted at the same problem.
Thank you. 😀
Very helpful article. I need to change my way of thinking to improve this area in our marriage.
Thanks so much for sharing! I needed this right now in my marriage. I have read so many of your books, all of you ladies involved. Thank you all for uplifting wives everywhere, in all areas! 🙂
I’m one of the few men here trying to answer that pleading call to change. I’ve been married ten years but I was unfortunately ignorant and blind for those ten years to what my wife was feeling and needed. I will admit that even with me trying to understand I fall short most of the time. I’m trying to understand and gain insight into what my wife’s life is like. How the things that I might say or do make her feel. So I appreciate having women write these books for women but also for men to help us. Because as much as my wife tries to explain it to me and I try to understand it still seems like i’m missing something. And then I grow frustrated from trying and not seeing any progress in my efforts. It feels like the definition of insanity at times. Doing the same thing but expecting different results.
Wow did I need to read this today – THANK YOU! I look forward to reading more on your site to help me get the courage to take the bull by the horns so to speak. 😉 I’m so glad I’m not the only one. . . my husband will be glad too!
Thank you for being so open about this topic that so many shy away from! I appreciate your godly perspective & your willingness to share your journey!
Such a great post!
I have only been married for a little over a year and a half and I have started to want less sex. My husband and I have been going through some hard times though… I recently left for my and my unborn child’s safety because of verbal and mental abuse.
He says he’s going to change now, and I do really hope Jesus will change him, because I love him. Then maybe our intimacy will grow.
The point about sleep particularly stick out to me. As a stay at home mom to three boys under 5, I’m always too tired for sex. But making my husband (and myself) a priority, it does help us connect and reminds me that I was his wife first, that I’m still a woman and not just a mom. It also helps me sleep better!
Yay, Andrea! It does help you sleep better, doesn’t it?
Making love to your husband is an act of worship. It’s beautiful and holy!
I love reposting these articles to facebook! Sex should be fun for married couples, but there are so many with hang ups about it. I’m almost bursting with laughter whenever I post them knowing how uncomfortable it’s going to make my friends! hahaha
Thanks. Good encouragement for us “old married folks.”
You hit it on the head! I think all too often a good christian girl thinks sex is a marital duty and not something to be enjoyed because only “those” girls do that. You’ve listed reasons that totally change that way of thinking!
Fabulous articles and ideas! Thank you for all the encouragement and wonderful ideas. This is ever so important in keeping love and intimacy alive in marriage.
Thank you, ladies for your candor and humor.
I needed a little push today 🙂
Blessings on your ministries!
Sex is great, but without intimacy, it’s pointless. My husband has ED and refuses to try medication. But we are still intimate and while I miss intercourse, the intimacy is perhaps more precious than ever. We are not old (late 50s)
Wow this is just what I am dealing with now. I have prayed those same prayers. I feel this same way. Thank you for putting my thought into words and letting me know there is hope.
Great article. Thank you!
Everything said is probably true but being married for 35 yrs and sexless for the last 25 I don’t see any change ever. To her it’s always been a necessary evil in order to have children. I know there are extenuating circumstances in her life but it’s something I miss terribly. I find it hard to believe that someone can have absolutely no interest at all.
Great article on how intimacy can be so much richer when we change our perspective!
Great article! I think we all need a perspective reminder once in a while.
Thank for you for this encouraging perspective of sex! I’m getting married in 10 days and I’m looking forward to put it into practice!
This is such a fantastic series – thank you!!
I love these blogs, it gives me hope that someday the light will come on for my wife. Keep up the good work ladies!
Being closer to 60 than we like to admit. Not a year married yet. You can imagine the obstacles we encountered on our Wedding night. I wouldn’t have traded a moment of it! The awkwardness allowed us to become Loving, Understanding, Patient and most of all Intimate and Exploring. (hee hee) Great resources these books will be in passing on the Gift of Sex, and bring a deeper intimate satisfaction to share with other couples who need some guidance.
thanks for doing this series!
This is a message that I need to be reminded of from time to time. As moms we forget to put us and Mon and dad time into the schedule.
I struggle with looking at sex as another chore on my checklist. I want more than anything to change the way I feel about it, but I don’t even know where to start. I’m hoping these books and emails will help!
What an opportunity!
As a mentor to young moms, I would love to have these books to loan.
I think I am in the minority. I want sex and my husband does not. I feel very lonely and unloved. He does not like to touch or be touched either. There is not even hand holding, just a quick peck on the cheek goodbye or goodnight. I am so sad and unhappy. We used to have a great sex life but as he has gotten older he has no desire. Please pray for restoration.
Lora–I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! And I want you to know that even though you may be in the minority, it’s a very LARGE minority. In about 30% of marriages SHE wants sex more than HE does. And that number is increasing all the time.
So you are NOT alone. You are NOT a freak. And I’m so sorry for how difficult this must be.
I have a 3-part series with dealing with a husband who doesn’t want sex. I hope it helps, even a little bit.
Wow Lora, this is my life too. My husband and I just had an all out cryfest (mostly me) and I told him when he withholds from me, I feel unloved and undesirable. You are not alone. I will pray for restoration in your intimate life.
Thank you Aubrey! I will pray for you also!!!
Thank you, Sheila! I appreciate your commitment to helping others and your kind words! Please pray for me and my husband!
Lora-
You are not the only one. I have been married to my husband for 23 years- and I am like you: wanting sex much more often than he does. It is a very frustrating place to be. I think in our case my husband is very stressed in his job right now, and hopefully things will improve. What sometimes helps us is going and doing something together that we both like to do – to work on our friendship. Sheila’s books are really good too! I will pray for you and hope that you and your husband can talk about things together.
Thank you!!! I appreciate your words of support!
Thank you for sharing all of your wonderful insight and wisdom. We need to encourage and support each other . Marriage takes work and the best thing to do is ” to keep falling in love with each other”… Thank you for providing the tools to keep couples closer !
Such wise words! Thanks for the reminders!!
This is so awesome! I could really use these books in my life right now!
What a great article and giveaway. Thank you.
So great to read a woman’s perspective on this subject! We wives do think about sex differently and it is helpful to be encouraged in this way. It makes more sense to my heart and brain. Thank you!
Thank you!! For so long I have been surrounded by the “just do it” mentality and felt like a freak because I really wanted sex and for a time my husband didn’t. I was made to feel dirty and perverted. I felt like I needed physical intimacy to feel loved. I know better now, but I still want that physical togetherness and it is encouraging to know that it can become a real blessing to our marriage through God’s grace and blessing. Looking forward to reading the E-Book.
As I get older, I truly realize how special sex is with my husband. Loved this article!
This is such a truth in the church today, we need to emphasis loving connection not just sacrificial sex. Thanks for not shying away from the topic
Thank you so much for this!
Wow you definitely hit the mark with these comments. So often what we hear, submit to sex for your husbands sanity, but then as women we are left in the dark wondering what about us. Thanks for the insight and I hope to read more from your books.
This was really encouraging ! I needed to hear it. I have been married 19 years and have always struggled with the sex side never wanting to let go! Glad to know now that it’s ok Looking forward to reading more
Thank you!!
I would love to read this book. My marriage is failing and I am exhausted from trying to make it work.