Hey friends- this is Kathi. I could NOT be more thrilled to have Shaunti Feldhahn on the blog today. This woman changed the course of my marriage with her book For Women Only – Understanding the secret Lives of Men and now she’s done it again with her latest book. Keep reading! And don’t forget to comment at the end and be entered in to win all five of our books featured this week!
Show him you’re safe with his secrets – including one key burden he has probably never shared.
Ladies, did you know your man has a secret? It may not even be an intentional secret, mind you, but a very personal burden that often stays hidden by default. Nearly all men face it, but few feel able to really talk about it with their wives. Yet if we know how to talk to our husbands about this and show them that they can talk to us about it, we will learn so much more about each other and go to a new level of intimacy we didn’t realize we were missing.
Here’s the secret burden: even the most honorable, godly man today lives in a culture saturated with enticing images that he cannot avoid, and which stimulate his brain in a sexual way even if he does not want them to.
When I first started doing research about men, I was stunned to realize that this applied even to men who were very trustworthy, even to men who worked to keep their thought lives pure, even to men who adored their wives and wanted to honor their wives (and God) in their choices. And it wasn’t just other men – it was my man! I started to realize that there was big part of my husband’s life, including how his brain processed the world every day, about which I was completely clueless.
[Tweet “The Secret He Secretly Wishes You Knew by @ShauntiFeldhahn #bettermarriage5”]
And if I was missing a big part of my husband’s life, wouldn’t there always be a limit to how close we could be? I didn’t want him to carry a burden on his own only because he didn’t know how to talk about it – or didn’t know if he could trust me with it.
So I started to ask questions, tentatively at first. (“Um… What do you think, when you see something like that hot woman in the skin-tight shirt who just walked past us at Target?”) And he started to give some answers, definitely tentatively at first. (“Uh… why do you want to know…?”)
But as I showed him that I wasn’t going to bash or condemn, but truly just wanted to understand (“Honestly, honey, it’s because I love you and just want to understand what life is like for you”) he began to open up and share things we’d never talked about before.
Some of it was hilarious. (“She must have paid a lot of money for those.”) Frankly, some of it was hard to hear. (“Well, OK, to be honest, sometimes when I see someone almost undressed, there’s this micro-second flash of wanting to picture what she might look like if she is undressed. And then I have to immediately stop that flash and think about that work email instead.”) There were times I was sad, or hurt, as my husband shared certain struggles he’d had on and off over the years. But I tried so hard to not let those feelings control me and instead tried to show my husband that I wanted him to be able to share what was going on inside him.
Because as I began to do more of the research on the male brain wiring, I began to realize: men’s brains are actually designed by God to be visually stimulated in this way, because the only revealing image a man was ever supposed to see was of his wife! And yet today, this culture is filled will very public images that were only supposed to be seen in private. Our men and boys are living in a visual minefield.
[Tweet “Men’s brains are designed by God to be visually stimulated.”]
Some men make rigorous choices to look away, look down, take those thoughts captive. Others have grown weary of that struggle and have given into the temptation to look at things that they shouldn’t have, and many feel great shame in doing so. Still others—although a much smaller number – have become trapped or addicted.
Yet many of them have one thing in common: they wish they could talk to their wives about it. They wish they could open up about their struggles. They wish they could come in from a particularly bad day at work and say, without fear of condemnation, “Wow, Kerri at the office missed doing up those top two buttons on her shirt again and I couldn’t focus on a thing she was saying.” Or if they are trapped in looking at porn, something deep inside sometimes wants to come into the light and get help – and yet the self-protective side says “no way!” So all of it stays hidden. All too often, a man handles all of this on his own.
But I think lots of us as women wouldn’t want our men to handle this all on their own. That was one of the main things that spurred me to do the research that became my book For Women Only and later, my new book Through A Man’s Eyes. I wanted my husband to know that I was safe to talk to about this, even as he also knew that if there were any real issues (which, thankfully, there hadn’t been in recent years), I would expect him to get help. And once we started talking about this, once he saw I wouldn’t freak out or condemn, we found that if we could talk about this in a healthy way, we could talk about anything.
I urge all my sisters out there: show your husband that you are safe to talk to. Even if you are hearing some difficult things, show him you love and support him anyway and you’ll walk with him through it. Learning how to talk about those things you’ve never talked about before will take your marriage to a whole new dimension of intimacy. A place where you have no secrets and where you know and love each other fully, regardless.
Sounds a lot like what marriage was supposed to be, all along.
Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths – including helping women understand men – at your event, church service or network? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.
To win a copy of all 5 books featured this week, leave a comment below!
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her ?ndings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
Great article! I would love to learn more and read these books!
I would love to win the books as it’ll help me on my journey of preparing for my “Boaz” and educating myself for marriage and having a happy & prosperous relationship.
Thank you for your posts. I’ve learned so much and desire to be the wife God wants me to be.
Thanks for the advice. Definitely not a topic we discuss, but maybe we should…especially so that we understand in order to teach our children, who will have the same struggles.
I’ve been working really hard on my marriage and any help is always great!
Good article….Made me think. Would love to have the book collection.
I would love to win these books!
O my goodness I don’t think I would be able to do that. To say “Hey babe what did u think of the girl with the tiny shorts and her boobs all out?” I have such a hard time with my self esteem I’d be way too scared to hear his answer. I imagine running him over with car when he looks at other women. How do you get to that secure place to say “it’s OK, you can tell anything when you don’t want to really hear that truth because you know it’s going to hurt. All of these books look amazing I’d love to read all of them. To get to that place where I can be the wife Jesus wants me to be for my husband. Lord give me strength
Guess I never really thought about this. Married 32 years and still have lots to learn.
Wow, I never thought about talking about this subject with my husband. Thank you for your insight and wisdom on this. I enjoy reading your advice.
Thank you for your continued support and encouragement of woman and relationships ! You have a wonderful way of bringing to light and addressing issues we all come across, but may not know how to talk about them or work toward resolution ! It is great to know ” we are not alone ” !
Thank you for this series! Each day the information shared has been sooo helpful for my marriage…even after being married 27 years!
I am always on the quest to make my marriage better. These books are all on my want list!
I had the blessing of attending a premarital workshop at my church where the husband-and-wife couple talked about this very issue. My husband to be shared in a subsequent conversation about leaving the gym and seeing a very fit woman who captured his eye. He was able to share that because the subject had been opened up to the two of us. It is so great to see the same topic being discussed in an online forum. This is true and freeing to both parties when out in the open!
I am raising three little boys and I think that this information is so valuable, not only as a wife, but also as a boy mom. Thank you!
My husband is returning soon from a year-long deployment, and I’m eagerly gobbling up what I can to make sure that I am doing everything in my power to keep our marriage healthy and strong. Thank you for your advice. Pick me. 🙂
I would love to win those! Thanks for the great article too 🙂
And the great advice just keeps coming!
Well, I will represent the fellas in the comment section because it looks 100% female so far. On behalf of the brothers: Thank you!!! Helps to have an advocate from among the ladies. Your post is spot-on.
Great article. I can’t wait to talk about this with my husband tonight and hopefully get the conversation going.
Thanks for doing this series. The topic today is a difficult one. Thanks for being brave and posting this article as well as publishing the book. I wish the college aged women at our church would understand this point and take more responsibility in the way they dress. I don’t believe women need to be dowdy in their dress but Christian women also shouldn’t be so revealing.
This is such an important conversation and topic. Thank you to all for the insight.
Thank you for this post. It was very thought provoking.
Wow this was hard to read. We are newly engaged and it was hard for me to finish reading all of this. My fiancé and I are both reading the books for men only -him, and for women only- me. And even the first chapter was hard. BUT… I am so happy to learn about this now, so I can learn to be the best wife he needs me to be and the wife God has called me to be!
To embrace our differences as God ordained grants me the
grace to begin view our future with understanding and compassion..
I trust this new compassion will equip me to open fdiscussions
Thanks for the reminder, that we are fighting together for our marriage!
In writing the testimony, I forgot one important detail…I have never read your books and I am looking forward to reading them!!! I am very excited about what I will learn from them. Thanks!
I am fairly new to this all. We have been married for 26 years. We had a great sex life in the beginning of our marriage, but after the kids starting coming, I just sort of pushed him aside, thinking the kids were more important!What a horrendous mistake on my part! I had pushed him away so often and only giving him what he needed maybe once over 3-4 weeks! It wasn’t till about 5 months or so ago, that I prayed God would show me. I knew something bad was going to happen and I knew I was the cause of it. God DID turn my heart around and I have never loved my husband like I do now!! I began a marriage group, where we have 65 ladies. I share articles,like yours, and Shelia’s (Gregorie). I have never even heard of you ladies before, and what I am learning from you is amazing! I thank you for putting yourself out there for women like me and thank you for having a part in strengthening my marriage!! I love you!!
WOW! This is great, encouraging, and I’m thankful I took the time to read this. How awesome to read them all!
I’m such a fan of your research and books, and this series has been so helpful. These books will be a great resource for whoever receives them. As the years pass, and the more I learn, the more I realize how incredible my husband is, and how much men, in general, will do for us that we rarely understand. And how vulnerable they are and how much they need us in their corner.
This was really interesting. I have a 10 year old son and I’m nervous about helping him navigate puberty.
Honestly this is kind of a hard thing to read, especially for someone who struggles with self image but also vitally important for strengthening my marriage. Thanks for sharing.
I’ve been married just over a year, and these books sound great.
Wow, that was an interesting read and something I hadn’t thought of before. I would definitely be interested in reading more! Thanks for the great blog!!
Wow, my marriage has been in stress mode for years & we’re trying to build it up together. Thank you for these ideas — i will try them!
Certainly makes one think, I think in reality we know this but don’t think that someone else’s husband may be having those thoughts.
Some much needed material for the issues today couples are facing! What an awesome resource. Honesty and openness could take us a long way but it sure ain’t easy!( sorry for improper English;)
Such a difficult topic; but so important! These images are everywhere – I worry about my guy and my teenage son. Thank you for this post; and the opportunity to win these books!
I haven’t read any of those books yet, but would like to!
I love this! I love reading! It is also good to be reminded of what men go through every day and who they see every day.
I am so glad this book has been written and published. This is such an issue but it is really hard to help women understand just how much we damage men without realizing it or trying to. Such a complicated issue in marriage. I am an associate pastor so I am probably more aware of the issue than many women, due to ministry situations. I would love to read this book and see how it is addresses here. Thanks for including this in the blog!
I love all your books. When I read For Men Only and I really learned a lot about myself from that book. Do you think some men are more visual than others? And I am very observant so I see even the slightest things so how do I deal with that.
These issues have been part of my marriage since the beginning, even before I was aware of them. Now, after 31 years, we are still learning how to swim in these waters. My husband is not a “sharer” naturally, so getting him to talk about things has been a challenge, but I have pressed through. I read the first book, and am very interested in reading the second.
Thanks for this article and helping women look deeper into the issues Men face and the ways we can understand and help them. I would really to continue reading this entire collection. Thank you again!
This was a great article!
Love all of your stuff! Looking forward to reading these as well!
As the mom of six sons and two daughters, and as the ex-wife of two men who both lied to me about their sex lives, I figure I need all the help I can get. Thank you for this chance to win your books.
Very interesting article, I would love to read these books. I know my husband doesn’t share his secret thoughts with me, I would have to really listen and pray, so I wouldn’t get angry or hold it against him when we had an argument. Would love to win all five books. Thanks for the blog.
I personally struggle with not being offended or hurt by what is said. I wish I knew him better.
I would love to win these books. I struggle with insecurities because I know I don’t look as good as these women who are flaunting their stuff all over. I want to be confident for my husband.
Great Article!! I have read both the “For Women Only” and “For Men Only” books. Very eye opening. I am going to go through “For Women Only” and highlight the stuff that is just like me and write notes in it and give it to the woman I ask to marry, when God puts her in my life 🙂 It would be cool to win those 5 books, they look like they would help me answer the clue phone next time it rings.
I love Shaunti’s books and marriage books! I would be thrilled to win this pack!
I love the research based method Shaunti uses. Looking forward to reading the new book!
The more I read about how a man’s brain is wired, the more amazed I feel. I would love to read Through A Man’s Eyes. Maybe I could gain a better understanding and have a clue about how to help my husband now and what I can do to raise my son to handle this issue in a godly way as he grows up
I love this post!!
These would be phenomenal to win!
These books would be very profitable.
I would love to win the set, I love all your wisdom!
I have to admit this approach makes me feel uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. Granted, if a husband does not have male friends with whom he can find trust and support with these issues, it might be a good idea for him to talk to his wife about them. But I feel it’s best for men to talk to other godly men about issues of lust. I have been married for 28 years and my husband made it clear to me early on about how men (and he, too, by virtue of being male) struggle with this issue and have to be intentional about dealing with it. That is enough for me to know. I’m not sure how beneficial it would be for me to hear more detail for the very reasons the article states – it would hurt and haunt me, and I think he knows that. Maybe this is my personal weakness, but I’m not sure if I we as wives are designed to handle more than that kind of awareness. Through the years, he regularly meets with Christian friends and they talk about such things. Maybe I am in the minority here, but I am willing to read more on this topic and have my mind changed if it helps our relationship.
Star, you are not alone in how you feel about this. I agree with you. Maybe this works for some marriages, but for me, I cannot deal with hurt and shame piled upon the piles that are already there. Instead of focusing on what my husband of 27 years may be thinking as he looks at women, I am working to focus on how God sees me, and that ultimately only He can love me perfectly. Of course not in a sexual way, but to know that I am fully accepted, loved, and thought to be beautiful in His eyes. Maybe sometimes ignorance is bliss, correct me if I’m wrong. 🙂
Thank you Lisa for your reply. I think it is important for women to not to be naïve or ignorant about how much men struggle with this issue of visual stimulation and lust, and I believe I do. What I am concerned about is crossing certain boundaries in the marriage relationship that might be better left alone. I don’t have the professional training the author herself has, and I would imagine that she might be better equipped to handle such details because of that. I just imagine wives opening up a can of worms that they OR their husbands truly cannot handle, and stress their relationship unduly. I’m interested in knowing what the author’s response to my concerns would be.
Thank you for putting a book out to help all of us women.
My husband and I have been going through a lot in 32 years of marriage and in the past month he has been opening up to me bit by bit on his struggles. It’s a lot to endure. Glad to hear I can learn more to better understand what our husbands go through on a daily basis and how to help make our marriage stronger. Our goal is to try and make the last half of our marriage stronger than the first half.
Wow. This was hard to hear by so crucial. We have to encourage our husbands! As I always Shaunti did a great job explaining this delicate topic.
I have always enjoyed reading about the subject of marriage so I would love to win these books! Thanks
this looks like a great bunch of books to work through! My marriage is healthy, but it never hurts to work to improve my part.
And, as a mom of 2 teenage boys, Shaunti’s wisdom is helping us parent our boys with these topics in mind. Thankful that she’s helped us start the conversation with them early about their visual wiring and how to fight.
This article has really opened my eyes and let me see things through my husband’s perspective. Thank you!
I think this series should keep going! I’m learning a lot and am more aware of places that need some work and attention! Thanks to you, Kathi, and to all of your guest bloggers!
Missy, you’re the winner of the books for today’s post! Please send your mailing address to my Ministry Manager at sherri @ kathilipp dot com (type as a normal email address, of course!).
I try to help my husband out when we watch tv together. I can warn him when those sexy underwear commercials come on, so that he can avert his eyes. The next challenge, if only I could get women in his workplace to dress appropriately…….
Thank you for this post!
A little hard to take in, but would love any resource to help keep our marriage strong 🙂
Wonderful article. I think it really is important that marriage be a safe place to be honest with each other, even about hard things, withour fear. Thank you so much for the encouragement in the article.
I’m truly enjoying this series, thank you! Each day has been more encouraging than the last. I’m excited about the giveaway, all are great authors and defiantly have each book on my wish list.
I am excited about this giveaway. I too have been greatly blessed by Shaunti’s book and I hope to add these fun books to my collection. Thanks!
What a great read! I definitely need these books on my wish list to help our marriage.
I’m always searching for ways to improve my relationship. After my divorce God brought a wonderful man to my life and I would love to read these books to enhance my relationship.
I have been really enjoying this series. I read Shaunti’s For Women Only and would love to read her newest.
I have never read any of these books. Would love to win them. My marriage is a mess and at this point heading for divorce.