My father-in-law regularly repeats a joke that used to do the macarena on my last nerve. “Your mom and I have a great relationship. Want to know the secret?” he’d ask my husband and me with a smirk. “Low expectations.”
As a woman of exceedingly high standards for myself and my relationships, I’d snort, roll my eyes, and think, “How sad!” Twenty six years of marriage and about a decade of personal soul searching have changed my view of the joke, however. My father-in-law is on to something.
I was the woman who dragged a whole train of expectations down the aisle with my white dress, and it hasn’t served me well. A long list of lies shot those expectations full of steroids.
Before I broke up with perfect, I said things to myself like “I always need to be my most perfect self.” That’s been replaced with a commitment to be my truest self. (Shaky sigh of relief.) I once truly believed that I could make the pictures of perfection in my head come to life, but now I’m content to live in the blessing of my reality. I used to measure the perfection of my marriage by holding it up to others. These days I focus on the gifts of the man that’s perfect for me instead!
Probably the worst lie I believed was this: I should help my beloved live up to his potential.
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It sounded so pretty when I said it with my sweet southern accent, but the heart of the lie was rotten. I suspect I’m not the only one who bought the lie, though. You know the drill. “It’s not criticism. It’s help.” “It’s not manipulation. It’s showing him the right way to do things.” “I’m just encouraging him to have high standards, don’t you know?” Mercy.
We go into a relationship because of admiration, but somehow a growing level of commitment shifts us into improvement mode. He’s wonderful, but… He’s almost perfect, if only…
When I met my husband Barry, I was most attracted to the bold and hilarious way he spoke his mind. I love to tell people that he’s reverent about God, but everything else is fair game! Barry had this “good girl” in daily gales of laughter about the edgiest things.
Somehow the switch flipped after we married, though. He didn’t change a bit, but my attitude did. I was nervous when I didn’t know what he’d say, and I thought I could make him even more wonderful by refining his verbal filter. Needless to say, that belief wasn’t very popular.
Relationships shatter when we value perfection over people.
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Sadly, it took years for me to realize the damage I was doing with my pick-you-apart methods, but thankfully my husband isn’t just funny. He’s also one of the most grace-filled people I know.
I asked Barry recently what expectations he brought into our marriage, and he seemed puzzled. “I expected to love you and for you to love me,” he replied simply, and I realized he was being honest. That’s a shocking statement for a woman who believes in the power of a life-changing tweak!
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For twenty-six years, Barry’s greatest gift to me has been that he truly lets me just be without an agenda to improve me. The trick for us reforming perfectionists is to learn to return the gift, and I’m determined that’s just what I’m going to do for Barry for the next twenty-six years plus.
This week I’m finishing up Kathi’s 21-day challenge in The Husband Project, and she’s been a huge encouragement all the way through. Almost every day in one way or another she’s urged all the participants to lower our expectations. Live in the real world. Give yourself (and your husband BTW) grace.
Kathi’s absolutely right. For about five years, I’ve been breaking up with expectations, lies, and mental pictures of perfection, and my marriage is the happiest it’s ever been.
It’s been a journey, but I’m now convinced. Low expectations add the gift of joy to our marriage. When unconditional love is elevated and perfectionism is banished, two individuals experience the freedom to grow into a bonded unit where happiness thrives.
That kind of marriage is even better than perfect, so next time, I’ll look my father-in-law in the eye, rare back, and laugh myself silly at his joke!
Author: Amy Carroll is the author of Breaking Up with Perfect and a speaker with Proverbs 31 Ministries. She lives in NC with her husband and a bossy miniature dachshund. You can find her on any given day texting her sons at college, typing at her computer, reading a book, or trying to figure out one more alternative to cooking dinner.
Join Amy for a FREE online book study of Breaking Up with Perfect from Aug. 1-September 5. Find out all the details about joining in the fun and community by clicking here.
First of all, I am GREAT FAN of Amy Carroll and have learned so much from Breaking Up with Perfect. So the post by Kathi Lipp gave me much more to think about. It resonated. I do have one question though,and before posing it admit that my crooked little perfectionistic heart may be looking for a loophole, so I want to admit that up front and invite honest feedback from other Perfectionism Busters out there. It has to do with the blocked part of the post about the lie of helping her spouse live up to his potential. I too have sown to this lie more times than I can count and, like Kathi, reaped some ugly fruit. However, this morning I was reading an old post by Regis Nicoll from breakpoint.org about the topic of judging. Here is a quote from that post: “Love seeks the supreme good for others. Above all, love desires them to become the persons they were created to be: children of God, being transformed in the i age of the Son, and enjoying unbroken fellowship with the Son and Father through the presence of the Holy Spirit. Love means that I am my brother’s keeper, with the duty to observe, question, challenge, and, yes, judge his actions — not to condemn, but to guide, coach, and encourage toward life abundant. To do otherwise is not love but indifference or cowardice.” So, if Regis, whom I generally respect is correct, should we not be loving not only all our brothers and sisters this way, but also our spouses. I agree, we are NOT the Holy Spirit for our spouse. We are NOT able to change them to meet our ridiculous standards of perfection. What does our Father expect us to do in this most important relationship? Feedback please.
Aleta,
You bring up a great point. I definitely believe that “iron sharpens iron”, and if you’ve ever sharpened a knife, you know the sparks can fly!
I think the difference between what you quoted and what I wrote about is motive. When we’re truly approaching our husbands with something that we see that needs addressed, we’ve got to examine who is the focus. Is it our guy, out of love for him, or is it for us? Our image? Our embarrassment level? Our comfort? Our way?
Barry actually sets the example for me in this. He’s not afraid to address things that he sees in me that need addressing It happened just the other day with a parenting issue, and he was RIGHT. Ugh! 🙂 He does it gently, though. Lovingly. He usually does it with just the right heart-exposing question.
I, on the other hand, have had the habit of pointing things out harshly or saracastically, and one occasion publically (I know, not pretty) which exposes my true motive–ME. Bad motives are tricky because they often masquerade as virtue, that’s why we have to pray like David did, “Search me, God, and know my heart.”
Thanks for a GREAT question, Aleta! You have a valid point, and I hope this helps to differentiate. <3
Thank you the speedy response. Your insight is just what I needed. What is at the center? What is my heart seeking? Honestly it is too often MY comfort, MY way (which I assume is superior!), my agenda…. The ever- present self raising its ugly head but masquerading as desire for hubby’s Christlikeness. Kinda’ gross. Thank you for your perspective. Looking forward to the on line study. Sent my book receipt today.
Guilty as charged! Oh my goodness, I about fell off my chair reading this! You have no idea! My husband is also one of the most soft-hearted, gentle-souls you’d ever meet. But his humor . . . his “way with words” . . . they can leave me in a cold sweat at social gatherings! I honestly don’t know how he gets away with making “good, decent people” roar with laughter at some of the things that come out of his mouth. And I find myself quietly praying (between giggles) in the background “Oh Father, forgive him. He knows not what he says!” LOL!!!! Just the other day I was praying one of those silent prayers — and he had spoken some “colorful” words in front of two very new acquaintances. When I then noticed that one of the men had a sticker from our same church on HIS vehicle, I couldn’t point it out quick enough. “See! These are CHRISTIAN men!” I thought. “They would never say those things and my husband needs to be a better role model.” That night, I kept looking for the prime opportunity to let my husband know just that — in a “gentle and loving” way. I don’t think I had completed my critical analysis before God loosed a lightening bolt into my heart. Rebecca – who are you to compare this blessing of a man to another? Yep – that’s what I was really doing. I was wanting him to measure up — to men I didn’t even know. I wanted him to be a “perfect Christian man” — and yet he has the heart of a thousand of the best! And never once has he thrown those same criticisms my way … when I’m running around like a heathen with my own “colorful” words in the comfort of our home. Yes … Lord have mercy! Lord have mercy on my heart — that sees the speck in my husband’s eye – but not the plank in my own! And all for appearances’ sake. Thank you for writing this, Amy! It truly spoke to my heart – and I needed it!!
Such good stuff!! God is always teaching us, isn’t he?
Rebecca,
Yep. My family’s favorite Christmas story is the one about mama yelling a big, fat, four-letter word when the Christmas tree fell on her. Awesome.
Giving our guys the room to be themselves brings out the best in everybody. Thanks for sharing so vulnerably!