We’re talking about Loving Intentionally this week, and I want to share one of my tools for guarding my heart and tongue against the bend in our culture (and often our friendships) to demean, belittle, and yes, bash our husbands. We can be intentional about setting boundaries around what we let into our hearts or out of our mouths. Here’s one way I do both.
An Open Letter to my Friends who Talk Bad About Their Husbands: Why I Love You, But Can’t Hang Out with You Anymore
Dear Friend,
This is really, really hard for me to do, but I have to tell you why I can’t hang out with you anymore.
I get that marriage is hard. I do. I’ve fought with my husband (remember, when we got married, we had four teenagers, so we had plenty to “discuss” those first years of marriage,) disagreed with him, and sometimes (OK, many times) not been the wife I needed to be.
But here’s the thing: I want to do better. I want to be the wife my husband needs. I want to speak well of him and to him. I want to improve, a little bit, every day.
And when I’m around you, it’s hard. I feel like, because you throw your husband under the bus, you want me to throw my husband right under there as well.
I will not have the kinds of conversations that make men the butt of the joke, because not only am I married to a man, but I have two boys I want to respect as men as well.
I will not agree with how awful your husband is because I don’t know his side of the story.
I will not laugh at TV or movies that feature the guys as “Doofus Dads.”
I will not let you bait me into bashing husbands, yours or mine.
I’m sorry if this seems like an unexpected change-up – like I’m changing the rules of our relationship. But that uncomfortable laugh I make when you put down your husband?
Gone.
From now on, I’m speaking up. It’s not OK to talk about any man like that in my presence. Ever.
Now don’t get me wrong. If you want me to pray for the tough time you’re going through, if you want to cry on my shoulder and have me recommend books on how you can improve your relationship, I will bring the coffee, milk chocolate and password to my Amazon account. I am there for you friend.
But if you only want to complain, and not let God make a miracle out of your marriage, I need to step away. Because I need to be with women who support the men in their life. I want to surround myself with women who are not perfect wives, but will inspire me to be a wife who follows God and blesses her husband out of the overflow of that relationship with God.
So if you want to be that kind of girl – come on over to my house.
But if not, I’m going to need to bow out. I know God wants more for you than what you have now. I’ll be here when you want that cup of coffee.
Kathi, we must be thinking along the same lines. My blog post on Friday spoke about being an advocate for our husbands by speaking well of them in public. I have lots of regrets for how I spoke about him in the past, but I’m working on it now. I’m seeing lots of healthy changes in our marriage because I changed the way I talk about him. Such good truths here!
Thank you for convicting our hearts and minds. We live in a generation where we are told as girls to rise to the top and be independent because a woman can’t count on men. I was told this by my well meaning parent because I was single and in college. However, years of that talk has made it very easy for my friends and I to talk negatively about our husbands/men. It also creates an atmosphere where we are taking over areas in our marriage or parenting then resenting husbands for not doing enough (even though we have belittled him or pushed him out of the jobs). The culture almost encourages women gather in little groups to put down husbands and for husbands to resent their wives…that’s just how marriage works, right?? No! Thank you for reminding us what it means to love intentionally and lift up our husbands (and leaders).
This article makes no room for people to befriend or remain friends with women whose husband’s are abusive or cheaters. Infact, if it wasn’t that I didn’t tap in recently to a dear, very down friend, I’d be at her funeral by this year’s end! Bashing for fun or to be disrespectful is one thing, but to avoid a friend whose being abused is definitely *not* being your brothers keeper. Sad, this world has come to segregation of the many who need support during hard times. Don’t let your bigotry get the best of you because you lucked out in this life with a good marriage and have no room for care of others hardships. God bless!
Agree
Hi Nancy.
I reread Kathi’s post several times to try to understand what part of the post may have influenced your response. Can you help me understand?
“but to avoid a friend whose being abused is definitely *not* being your brothers keeper. Sad, this world has come to segregation of the many who need support during hard times”
I know Kathi personally and I’m confident in saying she would
never segregate herself from a friend in true need of support during hard times. She says as much in the post above:
“Now don’t get me wrong. If you want me to pray for the tough time you’re going through, if you want to cry on my shoulder and have me recommend books on how you can improve your relationship, I will bring the coffee, milk chocolate and password to my Amazon account. I am there for you friend.”
Let’s think the best of someone before assuming the worst.
Hmmm… I think you misread my article. Because I said if you are in a hats marriage, I’m there for you. If you just want to complain, to me that is sin. I suggest you retread the whole article and carefully consider your comments and see if that’s truly what you read.
I shared your link and what is funny my husband wrote a cute comment: “If my wife told you I was grumpy and impatient, I guess that is correct. If she said I was stubborn and hard to get along with, she is telling you God’s honest truth. If she said I loved her and would do anything in my power to make her happy, well that is true too.”
GOD IS AN ON TIME GOD
ON TIME
I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT! !!
NOW THE NEW HABIT BEGINS ?BLESS YOU.
I have been trying not to bashmy husband.. Although i never really wanted to, i found myself hurt after a year of hurt and upset, and emotional online affair on his side and not wanting to really work on fixing anything. All while moving across the world and with a 2year old in tow.. It hasn’t been easy.. But the more ypu complain or talk about your hurt the easier it is to get into bad habits. Finally through faith and Gods grace my husband wants to work on things.
Although a few days later a woman from his past, had now chosento tell him he had a son with her. A huge blow to our already sensitive relationship that has me wanting to run away. Please pray for me and my family as i don’t know hoe to handle yet another knocked down and devastation. I’m trying to be supportive but feel like i am failing thinking of all the problems this could case to our future.
Thank you for your amazing articles!
Thank you so much for posting this, Kathi. I’ve had friends/family who do this with their husbands (and/or kids/step-kids) and it has always made me uncomfortable too because I don’t think it helps them if I participate in feeding that negative perspective. Even more surprising, people sometimes do this on social media! Not that I don’t feel that way too sometimes but ultimately know that complaining about or demeaning my husband to others outside my marriage doesn’t serve to strengthen it. Thanks for validating my thoughts about this bad habit for connecting with others, and also for highlighting to others that this method of reaching out is ineffective and will only serve to push a wedge between the complainer and the person she is complaining about (often someone she cares about, deep down) as well as pushing away the listener.