Learn simple steps to declutter your mind so you can have better sex.
Have you ever had this happen?
You’re in bed with your hubby, and things are heating up. He starts kissing you, and you’re thinking, “Oh, yeah, baby.” Then all of a sudden you push him away and out comes:
“I just don’t know what to do about Katelyn. Every time I try to get her to practice piano it’s a big fight. She’s so gifted, but she has no discipline. I know you think we should just let her quit, but what’s that really teaching her? Of course, if we did let her quit I’d have my Tuesdays back. And I wouldn’t have to bicker with her everyday after school. It would be really nice to have Tuesdays. I never have time to do groceries on Mondays, and there just isn’t time when she’s at lessons …”
And your husband’s lying there with a perplexed look on his face, thinking, “Piano? Katelyn? Groceries? HELLO!?!?”
Where did you go?
I have to admit that story isn’t all that fictional. I don’t have a Katelyn, but I do have a Katie, and she refused to practice piano, and it was a source of great consternation to me. And often, just when things were heating up with my husband, my brain would go on overload and I’d start spewing everything that was on my mind.
Part of that is because I’m an external processor. But it’s not only that.
It’s because of one simple fact: For women, our biggest sexual organ is our brain. If our brain is not engaged, our body won’t follow. In general, we have to be able to concentrate for sex to feel good. Women are far more distractible than men, largely because when something else pops into our head, all thoughts of sex can disappear until we can adequately deal with it, dismiss it, and get back to the topic — or person — at hand.
When I used to push my husband away and start spouting everything that was on my mind, it wasn’t so much a rejection of my husband as it was an effort to stop these things from popping up and distracting me! It’s like our brains are big pinball machines, with all of these things bouncing around and clanging off of walls, and all of that makes sex difficult.
And that, my friends, is why clutter is a marriage issue.
Yep. Clutter. Whether it’s physical clutter in your bedroom, or unending to-do lists, or relationship issues you haven’t dealt with, when there is stuff lying around, either physically or metaphorically, it’s hard to feel at peace. And if you can’t feel at peace, then feeling in the mood tends to be so much harder! You need to declutter your mind for better sex.
Keith and I have both figured out now how I work. And we have instituted our own “pinball machine” strategy that helps get rid of all those pesky pinballs and lets you feel frisky again!
(Now, if it’s your husband who never wants to make love, you’re not alone, and I’ve got a series on that, too! But for many of us, if our brains are getting in the way, read on!)
How to Declutter Your Mind (& Have Better Sex!)
Go for walks and get rid of your emotional pinballs.
For us, the best way to get rid of my pinballs is to talk them through. So now, every evening after dinner, my husband asks, “have any pinballs?” And we go for a walk and I tell him what’s on my mind, and we make plans to deal with what we can, pray about those we don’t have a solution for, and just commiserate over other things. Talking them through helps them stop rattling around.
If you’re not an external processor, taking time in the evening to journal through the things that are bothering you, and praying through the issues that pop up, can also help silence them later.
Plan tomorrow’s day.
Some people hate to do lists, because they never seem to get “to-done”. Lists are just one big guilt trip!
I know I’ll never get everything on my to do list done, but I still love my lists, and here’s why: When you put something on a list, you give yourself permission to forget about it. Need to buy your mother-in-law a birthday card? Put it on a list! Need to schedule an appointment for your air conditioner to be cleaned? Put it on a list! If you don’t, you’ll be lying there in bed, frantically trying to remember all the things you need to do tomorrow, and give yourself little hints, like, “when I see that ugly china cat on the mantlepiece that Mom gave us, it’ll remind me to buy a card.” That’s too stressful. Put it on a list and let it go!
My husband and I make it a habit now to go over our lists in the early evening and again in the morning. Then we can rest easy knowing that nothing is going to be forgotten. And I can free up my brain for more positive pursuits!
Keep your bedroom peaceful.
The bedroom is the most important room in the house. It’s where you keep your relationship with your husband alive, and it’s that relationship that is the foundation for everything else that happens. But it’s also where we often let junk and laundry pile up, because let’s face it: no one ever sees your bedroom.
Stop it! There’s nothing unsexier than starting to “get it on” and looking up and seeing cobwebs on the ceiling fan. Or, even worse, bills piled up on the dresser.
We’re already distractible enough without a million small things in our bedrooms making us feel guilty (“Wow, you haven’t cleaned in ages. What’s wrong with you? You really should have paid those bills! Wonder what will happen now….) Clean it up. When clutter isn’t crying out, “do something with me!”, it’s much easier to laugh and jump in as your husband says the same thing.
Would sex be easier if we weren’t so distractible? Perhaps.
But I also think that God made us so that we would have to care for our mental health for our sex life to work, too. So let your husband in on all of your pinballs. Brainstorm together on how you can start to get rid of them and declutter your mind. And as you do, you’ll likely feel a lot closer to him, too, because he’ll understand far more how you work. And maybe bells will still ring—but in a much better way!
Sheila Wray Gregoire blogs about marriage (and sex!) everyday at To Love, Honor and Vacuum. She’s the author of 9 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex.
Grab your FREE copy of 36 Ways to Bring Sexy Back to Your Marriage when you sign up for her marriage emails HERE!