People-pleasing is exhausting. Like Kathi says, it reminds her of Christmastime when “We’re baking cookies that nobody asked for.” Kathi’s friend, Cheri Gregory and co-author of “You Don’t Have to Try So Hard,” sit down to discuss why saying “sorry” is something women tend to do too much of.
“When you come to realize that you are suppressing your own emotions so that somebody else will not experience negative emotions, that’s not okay,” says Kathi.
In Today’s Episode, You Will:
- Find out why you are apologizing when you don’t have to.
- Why letting yourself off the hook opens yourself up to the necessary apologies you need to make.
- Learn how to say “Thank You” instead of “I’m Sorry”.
- Know how to find out if you are in fact, a people-pleaser.
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Releases September 4, 2018
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Downloads from this episode
3 Ways to Know if You’re a People Pleaser (or if you’re dealing with one)
The 3 Most Important Things to Know if You are a People Pleaser
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Special thanks to Cheri for joining me this week! Join us next week where we’ll be talking about why we over-perform when we’re feeling like we’re not enough.
Meet Our Guest
Cheri Gregory
Cheri Gregory is a teacher, speaker, author, and Certified Personality Trainer. Her passion is helping women break free from destructive expectations. She writes and speaks from the conviction that “how to” works best in partnership with “heart, too.” Cheri is the co-author, with Kathi Lipp, of The Cure for the “Perfect” Life and Overwhelmed.
Cheri has been “wife of my youth” to Daniel, her opposite personality, for twenty-eight years and is “Mom” to Annemarie (25) and Jonathon (23), also opposite personalities.
Cheri blogs about perfectionism, people-pleasing, highly sensitive people, and hope at www.cherigregory.com.
So practical. So true. Thank you so much. I’m going to start being more honest around authority figures. Being less of a polite and quiet so called ‘good girl’ and more honest in a respectful way would be so liberating. Tired of the fairness people pleasing causes. Thank you ladies for working on this topic. God bless
The best thing about this episode is that instead of saying, “STOP IT!,” you’ve offered tools – and even a script – on how to overcome people-pleasing. I love the “Thank you for…” script in place of “I’m sorry for…”
Pure GOLD!!! I’ve paid for counseling sessions that didn’t help me as much as this did. I’ve been working on my people-pleasing tendencies for several years now and have made great progress in the area setting healthy boundaries for myself and in saying “I’m sorry”. To answer your question at the end of the podcast, one thing on boundaries that I’ve learned is that I think many misunderstand, is that the boundaries are for me, for my health and safety and not to punish someone else. They are fences, not walls.
Oh my goodness! I listened to this last night while I was on a walk and I thought you all were describing me! Oh boy….so many things! Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I am looking forward to reading the book.
Wow! What a helpful listen! I have been turning the idea of saying “thank you for…” instead of “I’m sorry for…” in my mind and plan to use that today in a phone call I’ve been putting off. I have found that people pleasing makes me procrastinate the hard conversations (or put them off altogether!) But I am inspired to set more loving limits in my life. It will be uncomfortable at first, but not as uncomfortable as being a human doormat! Thanks again for an awesome episode!
I love this episode. It feels like my job is to keep everyone at my house happy, and it’s exhausting! I needed to hear that I’m not responsible for other people’s emotions and I can let go of that burden. I am looking forward to reading the book!
“Suppressing your own emotions so that somebody else will not experience negative emotions.” Wow – what a simple but profound statement with life changing possibilities! So much meat to this podcast; thank you ladies!
I’m 62 and a recovering people pleaser. After leaving a position of many years that lent itself to people pleasing, I was able to move forward and now “feel free” to: a. say no
b. let people be upset with me if they choose c. not try to keep the peace d. let the chips fall where they may. I understand Romans 12:18 in a new way: “If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” Amplified Bible I must live this in truth which means being honest with my own motives and emotions. As Cheri stated “People need to have big emotions around us” – Yowsa! I can’t nullify my own feelings and decisions in order to keep others from expressing their dissatisfaction with me. So I have to have to courage to face others’ expression of emotions and discomfort with choices I make for my own well-being and that of my family and household.
A recent example of this was with an adult student I see on a one-on-one basis. When organizing my week to make things run smoothly for my household, I keep one day for my errands, grocery shopping, etc. The rest of my week is scheduled for teaching and other work. Well my student asked if he could change his class to that day because he couldn’t do the day we were meeting on anymore. I ALMOST reluctantly said yes, but instead asked him the reason. He basically just wanted to make his life easier. It flashed before my eyes – my family or his ease. And I said “I’m sorry, I can’t change the day”. (yes, I said “I’m sorry” and “I can’t” – gotta work on that!)
People pleasing is a fear based behavior and is dishonest. But it can be changed with God’s help. Just be prepared for some people to react in a negative way because their role for you will be changed. But it’s freeing for them too.
This was such a helpful and timely podcast, as just this morning I was apologizing to my husband because he had to take time out of work to get me to the emergency department at hospital. I was brought up to be a pleaser and never to be a nuisance or disappointment or to inconvenience others. Yes, I’ve apologized to walls as well! Nice to know that I’m not alone, that it’s not healthy behaviour and that there is hope. I am certainly taking notes. I love the idea of saying “thank you” instead of apologizing and will have to try this one.
I loved this!! I have a daughter with depression who I hide many of my emotions from because I don’t want to upset her. I need to stop hiding everything from her and start communicating with her..in a loving way. I deserve to have feelings and express my emotions instead of bottling it all up!
I was raised to be a people pleaser. Took notes on this episode. What a great recap of what I am trying to overcome. Making progress, but what a great reminder. Can’t wait for the other 3 episodes.
This podcast was so valuable for me! I have been a people pleaser my whole life! I love the idea of boundaries, but I don’t ever actually enforce them….. So, that is an area I need to focus on. I like the phrase “loving limits” as opposed to boundaries. I think it’s good to start with a simple thing like saying no. I will start there!
Cheri, I just wanted to let you know that at least one of us noticed your term “pray-cessing” in the middle of your sentence. I love how you attached “praying” to “processing,” and I think it’s a valid point to take our issues to Jesus in prayer as we are processing how to live life as “God-pleasers” rather than “people-pleasers.” He certainly knows best how to do that, so let’s ask HIM!
Loved and appreciated all the practical tips. Thanks so much for this podcast, ladies! 🙂
Yes! The stop apologizing and start thanking.
I know I’ve been a people-pleaser my whole life. And a perfectionist on top of it. I’ve only set some boundaries in recent years that come from growing more comfortable in myself. Wisdom gained. Taking this opportunity to set more healthy boundaries. Reassessing priorities helps. Focusing on my dreams for my family means I don’t need to make it happen for others.
I don’t think I realized I was a people pleaser until I listened to this episode. There’s so much I already want to try but I think for now I’ll stop apologizing and instead start thanking.
This was so powerful! I identify completely! Thanks for the very practical suggestions. I really want to learn more.
I would love to read this… instead of listening. Is there somewhere I can do that? I am definitely a people pleaser, say I’m sorry way too much, and would love to find a way to change without the guilty feelings that accompany. I would love to win a copy of this book!
Thanks for the chance.
I’ve listened to this twice already and took notes the second time through. SO much helpful information. Everything from saying “I don’t ” instead of “I can’t “, to just not taking responsibility for others emotions. I’m going to try to have my own emotions and let others have theirs, accepting that I WILL disappoint people…probably a lot of people, now that I think about it. I identified so much with what you were talking about, I’d love to win. Thank you so much.