Every day, the email shows up …
“Create the perfect pumpkin landscape!”
“When stripes and paisley collide …”
The headlines, the stand-up-and-take-notice headlines, greet me every single day.
I subscribed to these emails because I adore my friend who is sending them. She is crazy-gifted, super creative, and incredibly generous with her time and talent.
The whole package, really.
I love to open the emails and look at the projects she’s working on, the colors she’s chosen, and how she is growing her business.
Until one day, I didn’t want to open the email.
I felt a poke. Not a pang or twinge of envy. Just a poke of … something …
I knew it wasn’t jealousy. I don’t enjoy painting bookcases or haunting garage sales for the next perfect piece of milk glass. As the Clutter Free girl, I’m not into any of that. I didn’t covet her living room (we have very different decorating styles) or even her laundry room (which is adorable).
So what was it?
I realized that I did envy her.
I wasn’t jealous of her stuff, but I envied her life.
Why does she get to be the make- it-cute girl, while I’ve struggled with clutter my whole life?
Why does she get to have a house that is inviting and adorable, while for decades, I was the one that you needed to give a week’s notice before coming over for a cup of coffee?
And for a while? I stopped opening the emails. They made me feel less than who I was.
And then I figured out, it wasn’t the emails making me feel that way. It was me.
It was me rejecting this path that God had sent me on. The path of recovering from clutter, which taught me so much about myself, about who God is and about how to serve his people.
If you asked me if I would trade in my journey, I would tell you, “No! Not in a million years!”
But if you compared it to someone else’s journey, I start to think, “Well, maybe I could just try it on for a while …”
I was jealous of what it must feel like to have a house that people walk into and just fall in love with.
So, what did I do?
I bought a new throw pillow.
I bought a decorating book.
I bought a few decorating magazines.
(Oh, don’t you hate when old habits that you thought were dead spring back to life?)
Nothing earth-shattering. It wasn’t exactly a binge.
But it was a blip … A definite indication of something being off in my life.
Buying stuff out of discomfort is familiar territory. So now, when the pangs (or pokes) pop up, I have a plan to get me back to a place of peace and joy.
Here are the steps that get me back to where I need to be:
Identify the feelings for what they are.
Understanding that I’m feeling envy used to send me into a spiral of shame (and I would envy women who didn’t have these feelings). Now, I recognize that feeling for what it is: a dissatisfaction in my own life.
When I realize it’s not about the object of my envy, but about what is going on for me, I instantly shut down anything that comes between me and that person. It is not about our relationship, it’s about how I’m relating to the world around me.
Feast on some truth.
When I get to that place where my heart is bruised, it’s time to get some truth in front of me. My favorite verse when it comes to envy (one that I can quote you on the spot – that’s how much I need it) is 1 Corinthians 10:13:
“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”
Lately, I’m also loving Seeing Green: Don’t Let Envy Color Your Joy by Tilly Dillehay. She says the way the way to the jealousy-free life is not by suppressing envy, but by embracing love. Not by shaming ourselves, but by loving others.
Practice being happy that someone else has what you want.
In Seeing Green, Dillehay talks about our reactions to other people’s blessings. She asks, “What if your first response was joy?” I love that question.
In the book, she talks about how to change the direction of our first impulse, response, and reaction toward joy for others. This is where I strive to be: genuine joy for others before calibrating the event to my hopes and dreams.
And if we wrestle to love deeply even when our initial reaction is to feel our feels, what we will see is that our reactions, for ourselves and for others, moves to a place of joy.
A place our hearts long to dwell, no matter where our circumstances may take us.
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Convicted??
That’s supposed to be a heart, not “??” 😉
“Practice being happy that someone else has what you want.” That sentence is what grabbed me. When I have felt jealousy or envy, I have struggled a lot with the feeling. But, this statement has completely changed my default. I can be happy that someone else has what I think (my extra word) I want.
Great post! I need to read that book!
Yea this post hit home for me big time. Thank you for writing on this topic.
I never thought about envy vs jealousy. You are so right. We must embrace the life we have.
Thanks so much for the practical and spiritual wisdom that you share with us. I am learning to purge and I’m especially attached
to books. I have a large grandma library for my 6 grand kids. I also love sewing, and other crafts. It’s getting easier to let stuff go but
I still need encouragement from people who care like you.
I don’t always have joy for what others situations are in life, but I am aware and really it is a decision to walk in love and trust God in life and that He always has my good in mind. Union with Him is the greatest blessing of all.
I look forward to reading this book!
Love point one. It’s not about the person but how I am relating to them.
Thanks, Kathi. I feel so defeated that my kids don’t want to have friends over, and my husband gets mad about the mess. I don’t know why I can’t just be like “those women”.
Thanks for keeping it real! I nearly didn’t open the email about this but so glad I did! I’ve been having a bit of writing envy lately, and this post helped a lot!
I needed this today! Envy is something I haven’t truly struggled with in awhile but for some reason it’s been cropping up again recently. I love the perspective of turning it to joy for another!
This sounds like a great book! And a great reminder to choose to be joyful for others for what they have and content and thankful for what I have. It’s all a gift from God!
This sounds naive but I didn’t think Christians got jealous. What do they need to be jealous of…until a struggle came up in my own life and truth was exposed that no one is immune to jealousy/envy. This book sounds amazing in shedding light on this and what we can do in response.
“What if your first reaction was joy?” What a thought provoking and at the same time convicting question. I I listened to the “Seeing Green” sample on Audible and read the Kindle sample…it so does NOT help that her example of her sisters hit WAY too close to home. Very obviously a book I need to read. And since this envy and comparison theme seems to be repeating itself in my life, our ladies online Bible study was just on “Why Her” by Nicki Koziarz, maybe God is trying to tell me it’s time to work this whole thing out!
In the community where I live, it’s hard not to compare what I don’t have to what others have.
Wow, that is food for thought!
This is great. And I love the Corinthians “no temptation”. For me it all comes down to knowing who I am in Christ. I am usually insecure and envy and jealousy can come by easily. But like you said – gotta go back to the truth. Always. Thanks for the post.
Wow!!! That brought me up short quickly!! I had not thought of the difference here regarding jealously and envy….and what I might be envious of. I really don”t want to add to my stack of “books to read” (ha!!), but I think this one is a must!! Thank you for sharing, as you always do….for being vulnerable and allowing the rest of us to be, as well!!
It’s easy to get caught up in what others have, even if it’s not what you want.
This really resonates with me as we preparing our home to sell so had to take down many seasonal decorations and pack away collectibles. We are living in a de-personalized house and it doesn’t feel like home anymore. It may take a year to sell so will have to grin and bear it. Being thankful that we have a roof over our head with so many people losing homes to catastrophic weather helps me a lot.
I really needed this today! In our old house, it seems like we are repairing or replacing items every other day so I’m jealous when I see my friends in their brand new houses filled with new items. I try to remember how very blessed we are & how fortunate to simply have a place to call home.
Thanks for not only sharing your struggles with something that is common to most of us, but for also giving solutions. I struggle in this area also.
What a wonderful viewpoint – joy for others blessings in life!
So needed this. I am so blessed, yet have trouble when I see someone with the beautiful life while I have old couches that the dog chewed on, a carpet that is bare and worn. Yet, I welcome everyone into my home without worrying about the bumps and spills the beautiful life people may get stresses over. Have to enjoy each path and serve Jesus together!
You have stated this concept so well. In the past I have struggled with envy and came to the same conclusion, but I never found the words to articulate it. I now focus on expressing joy for another person’s good fortune, or talents or gifts and it always lifts my own spirits as well. Thank you.
You made me LOL about needing a week’s notice to stop by for coffee. Hand raised! Love your posts.
I find this to be so true and an area I can work on! Thank you for the reminder and tips!
Ugh. This can be such an issue for me too. But learning to recognize it rather than react to it has helped.
Thanks for sharing about this struggle. I’m currently seeing the fruit of focusing on contentment and thankfulness. My heart is being filled with Gods goodness and not envy.
Thanks, truly something to think about. It always amazes me that there is still so much to learn
Perfect post and perfect timing for this wonderful reminder! Thank you for sharing! Would love to read the book and the extra goodies would be a plus! Thank you!
What a great reminder to choose joy and not let envy cause distance in our friendships! Would read and enjoy the gift box. Thanks!
Love the truth revealed in this. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to feel joy (not shame, etc.) when we are in these situations? Love it!
Thanks for this post. My struggle has been with wanting to organize my clutter, reasoning that if the clutter looks cute, it’s not really clutter. I’ve had to recycle all my Container Store catalogs as soon as they arrive and unsubscribe from Pinterest to keep temptation from taking over! I appreciate the constant nudges in the right direction.
Kathi, My daughter introduced me to your blog b/c she’s had to make 3 moves in 4 years and her husband an she are pack rats.
I mostly collect books and sewing and craft items. I almost didn’t read today’s post but I’m glad b/c it is easy to fall into the envy trap.
Thank so much for both the practical and spiritual nuggets that you give us to help us in our struggle to declutter and grow in godliness.
While I am crafting challenged, I am blessed by the beauty that some of these items gifted to me by others to make my home beautiful but not cluttered since I don’t buy a lot of materials to make things I know I’m not capable of due to time constraints and not wanting to further clutter my home. Great post today. Glad we can acknowledge our differences and can enjoy both the gifts God had blessed us with along with the gifts he has given to others.
Thank you this article. I respond to stress and anxiety, but really what I didn’t recognize as envy until reading this, by buying more and more. I’m drowning in stuff that never makes me feel better or more whole. I’m going to try to have a joy response to my friends who have lovely homes.
Something I need to work on, I have been decluttering for a while to make room for my new husbands stuff. I also love to decorate but with a SMALL home you don’t want it to be or feel cramped!
All my favorite things! Wow,wow,Wow,hit it right where we need it to speak. Thank you,for such a great book,that blesses and blessings keep giving. t.
Such great wisdom! And such truth for me as well! Thanks for keeping it real.
I love your attitude. I called you once to order a bunch of your books on wifing that I was going to use for a church retreat, and you not only answered the phone yourself, you were standing in line at Disneyland! You allowed me into your life for about five minutes, and that was years ago and I am still blessed. You are a wonderful lady and I have learned much from you.
Great post! (Clutter-free comment)
Great blog! Why do we find ourselves falling down the same rabbit hole? It is good when maturity sneaks in and we can at least recognize it when it does happen, like you did.
Well I planned on leaving a comment anyway, so entering to win is just a happy bonus! I want you to know that you truly have a gift that is so evident to others and I hope it’s evident to you. I used to live in Sacramento and you came to speak at some of our MOPS meetings. I have since moved and my kids are far from MOPS ages, but I have followed you and your journey and you have so much to be proud of. Your confidence has increased, your wisdom has grown but your ability to relate and speak the language of others remains the same. You have a gift. Thank you for using it.
Kathi. Thank you so much for your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable. I love the solution to envy – joy and love. I really needed to hear this today and need to allow this to marinate in my heart and mind. God bless you Kathi.
My clutter mostly consists of boxes and boxes left by my late husband who was a hoarder. Why do we have to keep forgiving and letting go even after people are dead?
Nothing is impossible with God!
I was definitely not been blessed with a creative gene for decorating either. And yes I too decide every once in while to venture into this area. And yes it usually has the appearance of ‘early yard sale’ atmosphere. Thanks for the reminder to accept myself and rejoice for those who do have the blessing.
I LOVE the thought of responding with joy when someone else has what we want! Great post that speaks to a common struggle for women.
I try to accept me for who I am as God created me. I want JOY for others and encourage them as I can. Thanks!
I so needed this! I often find myself envying others over their things. I’ve stopped watching decorating shows because of it.
Just what I needed to hear, I have purchased so many clutter items as a response to seeing someone else’s beautifully decorated home. I so want my first response should alway be Joy when others are blessed, not why can’t I do that… I cannot wait to read this book, thank you for the opportunity to win!!!