#602 How to Sort Through a Loved One’s Belongings After They’re Gone Part 2

#602 How to Sort Through a Loved One’s Belongings After They’re Gone Part 2

by | Jan 30, 2024 | Clutter Free Podcast, Home, Organizing, Overwhelmed, Podcast, tips and ideas | 0 comments

Listen Now

602 – How to Sort Through a Loved One’s Belongings After They’re Gone Part 2

Have you ever had a loved one pass and had to navigate the delicate and nuanced situation of going through the items left behind?

Sweet friend, you are not alone.

Listen to How to Sort Through a Loved One’s Belongings After They’re Gone Part 1 and then join Kathi Lipp and her guest Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young, author of the book Breathing Through the Grief, A Devotional Journal for Seasons of Loss. Nine years ago, Dorina and her young daughters lost their 40-year-old husband and father to cancer. Listen in as Kathi and Dorina continue their conversation about love, honor, and preserving the memories of loved ones who have passed. They cover topics such as:

  • Creative and honoring ways to use your loved one’s treasured belongings
  • How to permit yourself to grieve
  • Journaling to help with the processing of trauma

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young wanted all of you to have easy access to an article she wrote highlighting ideas she and Kathi did not have time to talk about. Check out 10 Creative Ways To Honor A Loved One’s Memory (And Clean Out The Garage) for this valuable information.

Interested in Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young’s newest book she and Kathi talked about in the past two episodes? Check out Breathing Through the Grief, A Devotional Journal for Seasons of Loss to take a closer look.

 Sign up here to be notified when the next Clutter Free Academy Podcast is released.

The Accidental Homesteader: What I’ve Learned About Chickens, Compost, and Creating Home

Homesteading [hohm-sted-ing]
noun
1. an act or instance of establishing a homestead.
2. the act of loving where you live so much that you actively ignore the fact that your house is trying to kill you on a regular basis.

For Kathi Lipp and her husband, Roger, buying a house in one of the most remote parts of Northern California was never part of the plan; many of life’s biggest, most rewarding adventures rarely are.

Kathi shares the hard-won wisdom she’s gained on her homestead journey to help you accomplish more at home, gain fresh perspective, and give yourself grace in the process. Here’s a handful of the lessons Kathi shares:

  • Prepare before the need arises
  • Everything is always in process, including us
  • Your best household solution is time and patience
  • You don’t have to do everything the hard way
  • Be open to new and better ways of doing things
  • A lot of small changes make a huge difference.
    Highly practical, humorous, and inspirational, The Accidental Homesteader will encourage you to live with more peace, joy, and contentment.

Order your copy of The Accidental Homesteader: What I’ve Learned About Chickens, Compost, and Creating Home here.

Links Mentioned:

Kathi Lipp’s Clutter-free Academy Facebook Group 

Breathing Through the Grief, A Devotional Journal for Seasons of Loss by Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young

 

Favorites:

Learn more about Clutter Free for Life

Have you had any victories in curating the treasures of a loved one and how it helped with the grief process?

Share your answers in the comments.

Let’s stay connected

To share your thoughts:

  • Leave a note in the comment section below.
  • Leave an honest review on iTunes. Your ratings and reviews really help and I read each one.

Subscribe on iTunes or subscribe to our newsletter now.

Meet Our Guest 

 

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young is an author, speaker, Bible teacher, and spoken word artist.

Her passion is helping people discover God’s glory in unexpected places and flourish in their God-given callings. She wants you to become a glory chaser with her, running after God’s glory rather than your own. This has made a world of difference in every facet of Dorina’s life.

Her happy place is near the ocean with her people or running on a trail in the mountains near her home. A foodie, Dorina loves trying new recipes and restaurants. Tears, laughter, and good food are always welcome at her table. Guests are invited to come as they are.

Connect with Dorina at www.DorinaGilmore.com, where you can sign up for her Glorygram letter. You can also find her as @DorinaGilmore
on Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.

 
Transcript

Kathleen Lipp (00:00.926)
Well, hey friends, welcome to Clutter Free Academy, where our goal is to help you take small, doable steps to live every day with less clutter and more life. And this is part two of just an amazing conversation with my friend, Dorina Gilmore Young. She talks about how after the death of her husband with three really little girls,

she went through the grieving process. And one of the parts of that grieving process was to sort through her husband’s belongings and how she was able to do that with love, honor, preserving memories for her girls, for herself, but also making sure that they could still live their lives in their home as her husband would have wanted them to.

So if you haven’t listened to part one, go back and listen to that and then join us here for part two of this amazing conversation about how to sort through a loved one’s belongings after they pass.

Kathi (18:25.45)
You know, what I love is that a lot of the things that you kept were not things that were gonna sit in a box in the garage. They are things that, you know, maybe the girls would want to wear those shirts, maybe not, but you could also say, you know, okay, you guys are in an age where this isn’t really interesting to you, so we can donate those things. Or, you know, we can, you know, I have…

I kept things from my grandma that I would use, like her recipe box, some Art Deco earrings, an apron that I don’t actually use, but it hangs in my kitchen because it just reminds me of her. And it may, but these are things that actually get used on a pretty regular basis. And so it’s…

It’s honoring to be able to use those things. It’s not disrespectful, even if they’re not being used in the way that you would expect. Your teenage girls wearing the sweaters and things like that. It’s a really beautiful thing. Let me ask you, I didn’t get clearance for this question. So if you don’t wanna answer it, we will cut it out, okay? So, but you’re remarried and you’re…

Obviously your husband knows about your first husband and have you incorporated any of Eric Lee’s stuff into your house and how does your husband feel about that? And did you have a discussion? Like how does that happen?

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (20:08.591)
Yeah, that’s something that can be a little complicated and nuanced for people, depending on the situation. We have a unique situation because my husband, Sean, and we’ve been married for seven years. He was one of Eric Lee’s best friends and they were actually friends before I even met either of them. So Sean has been on his own grief journey of losing his friend in addition to entering our grief journey and losing a husband and dad.

Kathi (20:32.995)
Wow.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (20:38.685)
He has been so wonderful at just really incorporating Eric Lee into our lives. I remember Sean saying, even after our wedding day, you know, the only thing that is sad to me about this day is that Eric Lee was one of my best friends and it seemed strange that he wasn’t standing up in my wedding. And when he said that, I was like.

That’s so true. It’s strange. So in many ways, it’s a marriage that incorporates the three of us because Eric Lee was such an influence on Shawn. And we see that reflection even in our homes. So when you walk into my home, you will see that one of the main ways that I decorate is through photo canvases. We have photographs of our family all over our home.

Kathi (21:14.178)
Yeah.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (21:32.283)
We have a wall in our piano room where we have some of the family photos that Eric Lee was in. In fact, wearing that flannel shirt that I was talking about earlier. And then we have some of our newer family photos. We take a family photo every year. It’s something that’s really important to me and the girls. And you know, even some of the photos with my entire extended family that are part of it. And so Sean’s been so wonderful about that. And it’s probably the number one thing that people comment on

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (22:01.897)
I even have a little plaque that talks about like this is our story and the story is told through those photographs. The other thing is through books. So I’m sitting in my library right now. You can probably see all these shelves of books behind me and this is my office and I call it fondly my library because I always dreamed of having a library. But I do have shelves that include some of Eric Lee’s favorite books on them and his handwriting is in those books.

Kathi (22:13.216)
Yeah.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (22:31.537)
so my girls can come in here and they can look at those books anytime. I also happen to have some of Sean’s books in here because that made sense for some of the topics that we’re mutually passionate about for them to be in my office. And I think it’s just such a representation of our lives kind of coming together. He’s never been trying to push those things off. And I really deeply appreciate that. I know that’s probably not everyone’s story, but because Sean and Eric Lee

Kathi (22:43.495)
Right?

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (23:01.637)
friends that makes sense for him too.

Kathi (23:04.566)
Yeah, oh wow. Okay, I don’t normally cry during these things, but you know, here we are. I wanna talk, I have one other question, but I wanna talk about your new book, Breathing Through Grief, a devotional journal for seasons of loss. Can you just tell me a little bit about that? Because I know that the people who are listening right now,

you know, are either coming out of a season of grief or, you know, an extended season of grief, they’re in the midst of it, or, you know, a lot of people in the coming months are going to lose somebody that they love deeply. Who is the book for and how is it used? Because it’s a journal, so how does that get used?

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (23:58.615)
Thanks, Kathy. Yes. So this is a devotional journal, and it’s written for someone who is walking through grief and loss. And honestly, this is the book that I wish I had nine years ago. I was so hungry for stories about people who had gone through or were navigating the grief journey as I was a young widow. And I also was hungry for that orientation towards God

prayer. And so my journal includes 25 devotional stories, which are just stories out of my life, like some of the ones I’ve been telling you today. And it also includes reflection questions that ask the person who’s reading to reflect on their own grief journey. I didn’t want to just be telling my story. There’s so many books that actually do that and do that well. But I wanted to invite

Kathi (24:51.267)
You’re right.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (24:58.589)
why we chose to do it as a devotional journal because I’m kind of positioning myself as the author but as a guide and honestly the only way through grief is through and so I can’t do the work for the person but I can kind of guide them on that path and even make space for them to journal their own process and there’s even brain science that says that when we write down the things that

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (25:28.449)
the trauma and so I love that aspect of the book because it invites people to go on that journey for themselves as well.

Kathi (25:38.502)
Mm. I love that. And guys, we’ll have a link to that in the notes. I especially think, you know, maybe three or four months after somebody you love has lost somebody. This might be, you know, I’m thinking about a friend who lost her beautiful daughter. And, you know, I wouldn’t want to hand this to her at the memorial service. I’m not giving you homework. But there are different stages of processing and

You know once everybody’s gone home Once the meal stop there’s gonna be a lot of time and space that for deep grief and This could be a really powerful tool to help process that and honor the person that you love so much You know for my friends who are you know are sitting here, and they don’t know that they’re gonna lose somebody

in the coming months or year. I would love for you to just kind of reach through the microphone and give your best piece of advice as, and I know no piece of advice can encompass everything, but what’s the thing that you wish you knew when Eric Lee passed that somebody might be able to anchor in their mind right now as they come upon a season of grief?

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (27:07.331)
You know, I think the most powerful thing that I always start with when I’m sharing with people about grief is that you have permission. You have permission to grieve. And that seems like such a basic thing to say, but it is amazing how much, especially if you are grieving a loss, how much expectation we feel, perceive, or actually receive from our communities, from our churches,

maybe your culture depending on your cultural background and what I have learned and what I recognize is that every grief journey is unique and so we need to give ourselves permission to grieve the way that feels natural for us and I learned this so profoundly even as a mom because I had girls at three different stages of development with three very distinct personalities not to

my mother-in-law who lost her only son, and a pretty wide circle of people who knew my husband well because he was a teacher and a coach and the director of a nonprofit. So I had layers upon layers of people around me who were grieving. At first, I kept trying to think of how can I care for others in their grief journey? How can I tend to others? Certainly, I needed to do that as a mom because I was dividing, I was kind of guiding my own children.

Kathi (28:29.912)
Yeah.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (28:37.395)
I want to just say to that person who is grieving that you have permission and to give yourself space for that. The timeline is not finite. The timeline does not look the same for everyone. So my journal, for example, some people might need that in week two. And like you said, others might not be ready for that for five, six, two years, three years down the line. And that’s okay.

Kathi (29:00.15)
Yeah.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (29:03.839)
If we kind of release ourselves from expectation and actually allow ourselves to enter into the grief and even lament, something powerful can happen on the healing journey. If we stuff it down or try to suppress our grief, it’s gonna come out sideways.

Kathi (29:18.987)
Yeah.

Kathi (29:22.43)
Yeah, and nobody wants that, especially the person who’s lost somebody. I grew up and one of the guys that I was dating when I was in high school lost his dad and he was Jewish and they had very specific ways of grieving in that family. And in that tradition, the Jewish tradition.

And I think that we as, or at least me, you know, who has, you know, I’m a mutt, I don’t, our family, our culture doesn’t have grief traditions. And so, you know, there was a freedom in coming up with those traditions with my dad, but there was also a burden. It would have been nice for somebody to tell me, this is what you do.

And we came up with ways to grieve, but I love that permission. And when I said, maybe wait three months to give the book, one of the things I always tell people when I’m giving them a book that I’m hoping will help them, I said, please know this is not homework. This is a resource. And so, if you don’t get to this for 10 years, I’m not gonna be checking on your homework.

I just want this here for you because I want you to feel supported.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (30:52.855)
I’m going to steal that line. I love how you say that. And that is again, permission for that person to grieve at their own pace in their own unique way.

Kathi (30:58.317)
Right.

Kathi (31:02.002)
Yeah, you know, the last thing I want to give you is a to do, but I want you to know that you are loved and supported. Doreena, this has been such a rich conversation. I so appreciate it. The book is Breathing Through Grief, a Devotional Journey for Seasons of Lost. We’ll have that link in the show notes and guys.

I’m just so grateful for this because we talk a lot about this in our large group, ClutterFree Academy that people have lost and they don’t know what to do with their stuff. And so guys, we will share this podcast in that group. And I would love for you if you’ve had some victories in being able to curate a loved one’s things with

honor and with grace. I know it’s a hard decision, but we want to help you through that. Okay, you guys. Doreena, thanks again.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (32:09.007)
Thank you, Kathy. It’s been good to be with you and I appreciate this conversation.

Kathi (32:14.39)
I appreciate it so much because we, like I said, we talk about this a lot. And friends, thank you for being here. I know these are harder conversations, but they’re so necessary because we’re all going to go through this at some point. And I want you to have the tools and the resources you need. You’ve been listening to Clutter Free Academy. I am Cathy Lipp. And now go create the clutter free life you’ve always intended to live.

Kathi (32:43.762)
Okay, that may be a two-parter, because that was 30 minutes. I wasn’t expecting that, but that’s so great. Okay, let’s go. Let me go to the other one. You did a great job, I know.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (32:56.599)
I do have, I will mention that that, I think I might’ve even sent it to you, that article on creative ways to honor a loved one’s memory and clean out your garage, that is free on my website. And then it’s also printed in the journal. So that might be a way to kind of help people, you know, they don’t have to feel obligated to buy the book, but there’s lots of ideas there of how to do that stuff.

Kathi (33:10.554)
Oh, okay.

Oh, okay.

Kathi (33:23.93)
Okay, something went wrong with stopping. Okay, so I will, you know what? I will, I’ll go back and record a tag for that. I don’t, or you know what? Okay, whoever is editing this, if you can’t find the link to that article, please contact me and I, or yeah, ask Tiffany to contact me and we will do it. I’m trying to stop this recording and it’s not letting me.

so weird. Okay, I don’t want to lose the recording. So bizarre. Why is this is the weirdest day.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (34:02.687)
It says on my end it says 99% uploading. So it looks like it’s up. It looks like we’re still recording. I see the little red record thing in the top left corner, but it does also say uploading.

Kathi (34:06.938)
Okay, does it say that it stopped recording?

Kathi (34:15.89)
Okay, hang on one second. I just wanna do this without losing it. Give me a second.

Kathi (34:50.989)
It’s a very busy day for both of us. OK, so let’s see. I don’t know how to stop this. This is crazy. OK, I’m going to end session for all. And we’re just going to have to come back in. OK, so we’ll do our best.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (35:08.879)
Okay, no problem.

 

More Posts 

#601 How to Sort Through a Loved One’s Belongings After They’re Gone Part 1

#601 How to Sort Through a Loved One’s Belongings After They’re Gone Part 1

by | Jan 23, 2024 | Clutter Free Podcast, Home, Organizing, Overwhelmed, Podcast, tips and ideas | 0 comments

Listen Now

601 – How to Sort Through a Loved One’s Belongings After They’re Gone Part 1

The loss of a loved one is a complicated road to travel. There are many layers to the grief.

One of those layers is what to do with the belongings of that loved one once they are gone. In today’s episode, Kathi interviews the author of the book Breathing Through the Grief, A Devotional Journal for Seasons of Loss. Nine years ago, Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young and her young daughters lost their 40-year-old husband and father to cancer.

In this part 1 episode, Kathi and Dorina talk about this delicate subject as well as:

  • When and how to start the sorting process
  • How to avoid decision-making fatigue in the grief process
  • How to involve close family members

Dorina also shares ideas for ways to remember and honor your loved one.

Grab a copy of Breathing Through the Grief, A Devotional Journal for Seasons of Loss by Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young.

 Sign up here to be notified when part 2 of this conversation about grief and clutter is released.

The Accidental Homesteader: What I’ve Learned About Chickens, Compost, and Creating Home

Homesteading [hohm-sted-ing]
noun
1. an act or instance of establishing a homestead.
2. the act of loving where you live so much that you actively ignore the fact that your house is trying to kill you on a regular basis.

For Kathi Lipp and her husband, Roger, buying a house in one of the most remote parts of Northern California was never part of the plan; many of life’s biggest, most rewarding adventures rarely are.

Kathi shares the hard-won wisdom she’s gained on her homestead journey to help you accomplish more at home, gain fresh perspective, and give yourself grace in the process. Here’s a handful of the lessons Kathi shares:

  • Prepare before the need arises
  • Everything is always in process, including us
  • Your best household solution is time and patience
  • You don’t have to do everything the hard way
  • Be open to new and better ways of doing things
  • A lot of small changes make a huge difference.
    Highly practical, humorous, and inspirational, The Accidental Homesteader will encourage you to live with more peace, joy, and contentment.

Order your copy of The Accidental Homesteader: What I’ve Learned About Chickens, Compost, and Creating Home here.

Links Mentioned:

Kathi Lipp’s Clutter-free Academy Facebook Group 

Breathing Through the Grief, A Devotional Journal for Seasons of Loss by Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young

 

Favorites:

Learn more about Clutter Free for Life

Have you struggled with what to do with items left behind when a loved one has died? Do you have any creative solutions for those items?

Share your answers in the comments.

Let’s stay connected

To share your thoughts:

  • Leave a note in the comment section below.
  • Leave an honest review on iTunes. Your ratings and reviews really help and I read each one.

Subscribe on iTunes or subscribe to our newsletter now.

Meet Our Guest 

 

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young is an author, speaker, Bible teacher, and spoken word artist.

Her passion is helping people discover God’s glory in unexpected places and flourish in their God-given callings. She wants you to become a glory chaser with her, running after God’s glory rather than your own. This has made a world of difference in every facet of Dorina’s life.

Her happy place is near the ocean with her people or running on a trail in the mountains near her home. A foodie, Dorina loves trying new recipes and restaurants. Tears, laughter, and good food are always welcome at her table. Guests are invited to come as they are.

Connect with Dorina at www.DorinaGilmore.com, where you can sign up for her Glorygram letter. You can also find her as @DorinaGilmore
on Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.

 
Transcript

Kathi (00:01.518)
Well, hey friends, welcome to Clutter-Free Academy, where our goal is to help you take small, doable steps to live every day with less clutter and more life. And if you haven’t heard the story, I finished my book, Clutter-Free, on the morning of September 5th.

And about an hour and a half later, my dad passed away in the same room. And my dad is the reason that I was on part of the reason I was on this clutter free journey, because he was a hoarder. And I a lot of the stuff that I tended to keep was because of my dad. And I have to tell you, the struggle for decluttering and the removal of some of his stuff during that time of grief is one of the more difficult things I’ve gone through as an adult. And I am not an expert on this. I am not an expert on grief. I am very fortunate that I’ve had very few encounters with grief in my life, but that means that there are a lot of things to come.

And I thought I would bring somebody who has done the deep dive, who has walked through the grief, because either you’re a novice or an expert. And I’m sad to say that my friend, Dorina, is an expert, but she is so gracious that she is coming to share with us. She has a new book called Breathing Through the Grief, a devotional journal for seasons of loss.

Guys, it’s Dorina Gilmore Young. She’s an author, she’s a Bible teacher, she’s a coach. She is a master of many things. And Dorinna, first of all, welcome to Clutterfree Academy.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (02:10.542)
Kathi, it is a gift to be here with you today. Thanks so much for the welcome.

Kathi (02:15.758)
Well, and you know, it’s, I’m very excited and grateful for this new book that you have. But the path there was a very difficult one. Can you just tell us, you know, briefly your story of grief in your life? And then we’re gonna get into some practical things that all of us can do when it comes to this, this weird tension between stuff and grief.

But tell us a little bit about your journey.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (02:47.215)
Yeah, thank you for the invitation. So I could tell many different facets of a grief journey that I’ve endured in my life, but probably the most prominent is nine years ago, my husband was diagnosed with stage four cancer. And at that time he was 40 years old. I was in my late 30s and we had three little kids. Our daughters were ages two, five and eight. And we received his diagnosis

May of 2014 and he went to heaven in September of that year So even though the days felt excruciatingly long for me as I watched him suffer and his body deteriorate It was quick. It was over the course of a summer for a lot of our friends And you know sometimes you kind of check out because people are traveling and doing different things during the summer and so for friends and family it was very shocking it was a swift battle with cancer and

Kathi (03:32.558)
Yeah, that’s…

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (03:47.089)
been a journey that has had a windy path as it always is. Grief is more like a tangled ball of yarn than it is a straight path, right? But I’m also so deeply grateful for the ways that God has been present with me on this journey.

Kathi (07:10.558)
that while Dorina has gone through something absolutely, you know, life changing, something that most of us in our 30s and 40s would never ever have to deal with, Dorina has a beautiful life. You’re remarried, you have three beautiful daughters, but there has to be this walking with joy and grief that you’ve gone through and continue to go through.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (07:41.359)
Definitely. And you know, I think I’m very passionate about normalizing this conversation about grief because all of us are constantly walking that line. It’s like kind of like a train track between grief and joy. Those do not come separately. They often coexist in a given day, in a given hour, in a given minute sometimes for all of us. And so when

Kathi (07:51.819)
Yeah.

Kathi (07:59.298)
Mm-mm.

Kathi (08:02.786)
Yeah.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (08:11.313)
with a recognition that God has brought great rejoicing and redemption in my life, but it also means I deal with triggers and the journey of grief daily, and that’s nine years out.

Kathi (08:25.066)
Yeah, okay, so let’s talk about triggers because I have to imagine the things in your life, the things that were your husband’s, the things that you shared, the things that are significant to your three daughters. How do you start to deal with some of those things? Because I know for my mom,

she wanted to get rid of a lot of stuff very quickly. With my dad being a hoarder, this finally gave her permission. That was not your story. You’re surrounded by all these things that bring back good memories, I have to imagine. But we also can’t continue to live with all of that the whole time. How did you start?

to detangle the, you know, I don’t want to call it decluttering, but maybe the curation, the collecting, the downsizing of some of those things. When did that start for you?

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (09:33.263)
Yeah, that’s such a good question to reflect on because my husband was not a hoarder. So it is a different story. But at the same time, we lived in a home together where he actually had been a bachelor living for many years. And then we moved. We lived on the mission field in the country of Haiti. And so there are things that you sort of accumulate along the way. And then there are the treasures from someone’s life that you have to figure out when you’re the person kind of left.

Kathi (09:38.39)
No. Yeah.

Kathi (09:47.168)
Mmm.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (10:03.217)
behind, in my case I was the widow, where it’s like, okay, how can I measure right now what’s going to be important in the future and what are things that just need to be downsized and decluttered because we have to live our normal life and we can’t keep existing in the past. So I feel like I had to start going through that journey slowly. One of the things that expedited it is that I moved

Kathi (10:12.547)
hate.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (10:33.137)
home where my husband died to a new home with my daughters about a year after his passing. And so I’ve actually written about this a little bit on my website, my blog as well, but I had to decide, okay, what can I emotionally handle to declutter and what are some things that I need to just give myself permission to do at a later time. And one of my sweet friends was brilliant.

Kathi (10:52.014)
Mm-hmm.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (11:03.057)
of this process and she got a huge cardboard box and she wrote with a sharpie on the outside time capsule and it was just a thing where I had this box where I could put things into it that I could make a decision about at a later time.

Kathi (11:12.631)
Oof. Hmm.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (11:23.407)
And then there were the things where it was like, okay, I’m going to donate this, or I’m going to throw this away, or I’m going to get rid of this. But it’s so emotionally exhausting, especially on a grief journey. You get this kind of decision fatigue that happens pretty quickly. And so, you know, by the end of the first, I’ll call it sorting, I had 10 boxes remaining that were his things. And then the next time I moved, it was less, you know, and so I just kind of gave myself permission along.

Kathi (11:23.776)
Right.

Kathi (11:43.909)
Mm-hmm.

Kathi (11:47.874)
Oh wow. Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (11:53.361)
the way. But still, even today it’s so interesting. It’s like I gave away so many of my husband’s clothes thinking those were probably not important. I saved some special flannel shirts that we made into pillows for my daughters and some special t-shirts and that kind of thing. But still, my daughters today, just because of the way style is and because they love thrifting,

Kathi (12:19.585)
Yeah.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (12:23.281)
all the things that I gave away of my husbands or something sort of in that genre. And I’m like, well, why didn’t I keep, you know, those sweatshirts that were from college that I didn’t think anyone would care about five years ago or seven years ago. And now my kids are looking for that very thing at the thrift store. So it’s really kind of a funny process.

Kathi (12:32.066)
Yeah.

Kathi (12:44.85)
Yeah, but you’re so right. We try to make those decisions about what’s going to be important in five or 10 years in the midst of grief. I love that you had levels. There were things that were obviously easy to give away or throw away. But, you know, there are some people who are stuck in the thought that if I do anything with their belongings.

It’s dishonoring. And we know that’s not true. In our head, we know that’s not true, but in our heart, that can be really, really tough. Did you encounter any of that and how did you help process that?

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (13:33.263)
Yeah, I mean for sure it felt stressful. I had some anxiety over this because I knew that I wanted to honor my husband and I knew I had these little girls but I did not know what was going to be important to them in the future. And I think some of what helped me was brainstorming ways to remember and honor him but not necessarily keeping the physical item, if that makes sense.

Kathi (14:01.766)
Yeah. Dorina, what was his name?

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (14:03.951)
Eric Lee. First name was Eric Lee. So good southern boy with two names in the first name.

Kathi (14:05.554)
Eric, okay, okay. Okay, oh, Eric Lee was his first name. I was like, I don’t see Lee in your last name because you have four names. And so, okay, Eric Lee. So you brainstormed how to honor and keep his memory alive without it being stuff. So tell me a little bit more about that.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (14:29.999)
Well, and honestly, I collected some of these ideas along the way from other friends and from books I read and blog posts. But one example would be like making a photo memory book. The photos are just so valuable. And so I really spent time with my girls kind of curating photos that we already had. And now we’re in the midst of like printed photos, which he had from his childhood versus digital photos. But then there were even things that we knew we didn’t want to keep, but we took photos of them, like little treasures of his so that we could still kind of have those in our memory. And so that would be my advice to people is like create a sort of best of album, whether that’s digital or something you want to print, you know, through Shutterfly or another service. But you can take photos of some things that maybe don’t have, you don’t have space for in your home but you can still remember like oh you know he won this medal for running when he was a young person or he had these special shoes or you know those types of things where it’s like okay that’s actually gonna sit in a box in my garage forever or I can take a photo of it and my kids can remember it as a treasured relic that represents their dad.

Kathi (15:47.821)
right.

Kathi (15:56.126)
I love that. Okay, so speaking of kids, were they involved in this process at all? They were pretty young when your husband passed, but you know, I’m just wondering, were there safe and comforting ways for them to be involved? Or did you pretty much have to do everything and

leave your kids out of the, not leave them out. That sounds like it came with a judgment, which it absolutely 100% did not. How old were your girls when you were going through all this?

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (16:31.759)
So when he died, they were two, five and eight. So yes, they were very young. Probably my oldest was the only one who could really kind of enter into some of that decision making with me.

Kathi (16:35.562)
Yeah, very young.

Kathi (16:43.624)
Yeah.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (16:44.111)
but I kind of chose certain things where I did want to include them. So I mentioned like the memory pillows. I had a friend who loves to sew and she offered to do this for us. And so I let each of the girls pick out one of his flannel shirts. And that was something special that it’s like, they got to have daddy’s shirt. And I mean, they’re teenagers now and they still have their daddy pillows as we like to call them. And, you know, one of them I can think of, it was a flannel shirt

Kathi (16:51.528)
Hmm.

Kathi (16:59.694)
It’s amazing.

Kathi (17:11.071)
amazing.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (17:14.065)
in the last family photo that we took for Christmas. And so every time I see that pillow, I think about that photo shoot. I think about the fun that we had with our friend who took our photos. I think about him wearing it. So there is such a layered kind of memory that is in this little pillow and I didn’t have to keep 25 shirts. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should have, like I said, cause my kids are thrifting all this stuff right now.

Kathi (17:17.131)
Hmm.

Kathi (17:21.464)
Right.

Kathi (17:38.477)
Right.

Kathi (17:43.682)
Yeah.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (17:44.207)
at least we got four of his special shirts. And I actually did keep some of his other clothes in a box. And I’m so grateful that I did because my girls wear their dads sweaters and sweatshirts that we did keep now as teenagers, which you know, at two, five and eight, they really didn’t care about that. And it would have looked like a dress on them. But now they do. And so I think it’s like choosing sort of a small quantity of the actual stuff that you want to keep and then doing

Kathi (17:47.972)
Right.

Kathi (18:02.471)
Right. Yeah.

Kathi (18:12.078)
Mm-hmm.

Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young (18:14.161)
special that maybe this represents dad, like the pillow or the photo album where we can still kind of return to those things without filling up our garage.

Kathleen Lipp
Friends, I hope you’ve been getting as much of this conversation with Dorina as I have. Whether you’ve already gone through the process of sorting through a loved one’s belongings or it’s something that we are all going to have to do in the future, I hope that with her graciousness and her care and her love and her honoring, we can all find better ways to honor the memories of those we love while taking care of ourselves at the same time.

Please come back next week where we’re gonna finish this conversation with Dorina and she offers even more hope and more healing through this very difficult process. You’ve been listening to Clutter Free Academy. I’m Cathy Lipp. And now go create the clutter free life you were always intended to live.

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