Hi Friends,
I recently received the message below from a reader and I thought as a community we could offer some constructive ideas on how to teach our children help out around the house.
I am greatly struggling with chores and responsibility with my 3 kids.
My 3 year old son is hot and cold with behavior and attitude so one never knows if he will help or fight.
My 6 year old daughter flat out refuses to clean anything “that’s not my mess” yet won’t even cleanup her own room.
My 9 year old son reluctantly helps me out in picking up the slack.
I am a worn out mom in need of new routines and rewards. What kind of charts, rewards and chores can you offer for a challenging group of kids that tend to walk all over an overwhelmed and exhausted mom. Please help.
Need help keeping your kids on task? Download these free chore charts for your kids! In addition, I’ve created a Pinterest board full of ideas on making chores fun for all ages.
Plus, leave a positive idea about how you successfully get your kids to help with chores and you could win a copy of my book, 21 Ways to Connect with Your Kids.
The above comments all sound good, but Mom’s the best way to train your children is to rise up before them and immerse yourself in God’s Word and prayer. He will guide your steps.
I can certainly relate to your exhaustion and frustration! My kids are 9, 7, 4, and 3 months. There is certainly a point in which you can not do it all. It’s not a matter of being more efficient…I as one person can’t clean up after 4 people leaving messes! A couple of thoughts that will hopefully help you:
*www.myjobchart.com is awesome. It’s a way to use technology to create a list the kids can then check off (if they want the reward, they need to manage the system…not you!)…you just say what jobs (or they can help you choose them) and how many points they are worth (15 point=$.15). Check it out…
*I LOVE the book “How to Have a New Kid by Friday” by Kevin Leman. It’s got a lot of great points, but the bottom line is that the kids don’t get what they want until they follow through with what you asked of them (i.e. we’re not going _______. You didn’t do _____.). You say it calmly, turn around, and walk away. I used to get into verbal battles with my extremely verbose girls. The key is not to engage! Say it and then follow through without discussing it. Read the book…he’ll say it much better than I can!
*Don’t overwhelm yourself with lots of systems and things to check and follow through. I’ve found “routines” are the key for us. If I called it chores, it would sound like work, but I just look at my kids in the morning and ask…”Have you done your morning routine?” The three older kids know that means they have to make their bed, be dressed and put away pjs, eat breakfast and be ready for school. There’s never an argument, since these are daily basic items that are just a routine. Now, I just need to implement an after-school routine…we’re still learning!
*I like Peggy’s comment, too…rewards are great, but natural consequences are realistic. If someone doesn’t set the table, maybe they eat without silverware. Or, if the room isn’t clean, maybe you put it all in a box. I do try and help my kids with projects that are overwhelming to them (like my 7 year old having to clean her messy room), but they do lose privileges (such as technology) if they can’t follow through when asked to do a responsibility.
I wish you the best and hope that helps you! Best of luck to you and your family–
good ideas, thanks for sharing
My kids sound almost exactly like yours and it was driving me crazy. We started doing something called “don’t lose you quarters”. Every Sunday each of my 3 girls (4, 7 & 11) gets a mason jar with 12 quarters in it. If we have to ask them to do something more than once, if they walk away from a mess without cleaning it up, or if they leave shoes & backpacks in the common area, they lose a quarter. On Friday or Saturday, we go out for a family treat (frozen yogurt, Krispy Kreme, smoothies) and whoever still has 8 quarters ($2) in their jar gets to have a treat. So far it has worked great! No more nagging and no more messes. And hopefully they are developing some great habits that will bless them and anyone who ever has to live with them!
My girls (6yo and 3yo) actually don’t mind helping with contributions (saw someone use this term instead of chores) around the house. They feel a sense of belonging since we all need to pitch in to make our home run. Even growing up, I loved to help clean around the house (I know, it’s a sickness), so I think when they see me doing chores with a joyful attitude, it makes them happy to help out. I’m not saying that this happens all the time, but when I give them a task, they are okay with completing it.
I heard this from another mom with older kids than my 17-month old and stored this in the arsenal for when the time comes. She agreed that her kids didn’t have to take responsibility for their own tasks as long as she didn’t have to do her responsibilities (of helping her kids). The house was a mess, the kids were a mess (but still healthy and safe) but the point got through. The goal is that they realize the consequences of their choices and how much mom does for them. And hopefully sooner than when they run out of clean underwear!
I love all the positive responses, but consequences that are forewarned and actually followed-through on rounds it out to being the “complete package.” Privileges should be Privileges that are Earned by being a Contributing Member of the Family.
Also, realize that if your children are well-trained at home to be observant to what needs to be done, they will make better Guests at other people’s homes! I made sure my (now grown) children knew how to be a Good Guest, and they were complimented for their behavior (and welcomed back more often!) Plus, developing their competency builds their self-esteem.
Another tip is that cooperation should never be based upon one’s feelings: “Do I feel like doing it?” A mature person does not check to see if they feel like doing the right thing, they just do it. That response should be taught. And these Life Skills will be appreciated by their future spouses!
We have started a chart with our child’s name on it. She earns stickers for each job. Each “round” adds one. Thus, the first “round” she had to earn 10 stickers to get a treat of her choosing and liking. The next “round” she had to earn 11 and so on. She currently has her eye on a shirt at Target, and she still has 14 more stickers to earn the reward for this round. The more positive result is that she now checks the chart to see what jobs she can do and even does some of them without a reminder. Of course, when she has completed the task, she reminds me that she has earned a sticker. 🙂 Plus, her attitude towards doing the work is so much better.
Once the first chart is full, she is expected to do some of these jobs without a reward, and we will add some new jobs (and keep some of the old ones) to the new chart. This way she learns that some jobs are just her responsibility without always getting a treat for working. That’s just part of growing up, isn’t it? 🙂
I actually have similar problems, so I have tried a few different things. I believe that each child is different so some things work with one, but not with the other. We have a similar chore chart as the one posted. I have a four year old daughter and a nine year old son. My son has chores that he does everyday after homework, such as take out the bathroom trash if it is full, feed the dog, and pick up poop. They both help clear the table before dinner, and spend 10 minutes or so of an evening picking up the playroom.
Another thing that works well with the two of them is being specific, “Let’s each pick up 5 things and put them in their homes.”
I posted a respose to your facebook page because I wanted to share my photos with you and wasn’t sure how to post them to your blog. Have a beautiful day.
We sometimes make a race out of who can put the clothes away and neatly the fastest. It usually turns into a lot of fun. Just remember not to reward the bad behavior.
I kind of use the Dave Ramsey method- commission. If you work, you get paid, if you don’t- you don’t. These are things that aren’t just normal part of living, such as picking up after yourself or clearing your dishes from the table. It helps motivate when they are needing to save money for something.
I wish I had more to offer. Flylady.net has good stuff on getting kids to help, and http://www.flylady.net/d/br/author/house-fairy/ is some good stuff. You’ll have to think through the ages of kids and such, but its a starting place.
I think starting young as helped, only time will tell
Laundry with 6 kids…. We have 6 lightweight laundry baskets and I sort their clothes out of the dryer into their basket. Fold them that way. Then I tell them to “Go put your clothes away, when the basket is empty bring back the dirty clothes from all the hampers.” Even my 3 year old can do it now! This simple idea – which was my husband’s – has saved HOURS of my time sorting, folding, putting away. And they look forward to it! Sometimes if the laundry piles up, I will dump all the dry/clean clothes on the couch and have them “find all their stuff an put it in their basket”. Then we fold and put away.
We live in a small house, and we homeschool, so by the end of the day, our living room is a disaster! The kids usually pick up in there while I’m cooking dinner, so I can relax in there after they go to bed. I assign the kids specific areas to clean up–desk area, sofa and rug, bookcases, piano, etc. I find that they are not overwhelmed if they focus on one small area at a time and that each area get completely tidied.
I also like to work with them for a set period of time. When they were younger (they’re 6 and 9 now), we would do a “10 Minute Tidy”. That worked wonders!
I try to remember to get them to pick up their room as part of their morning routine (still working on this one). Again, I tell them to concentrate on little areas, one at a time.
It’s a work in progress! Don’t give up!