Isaiah 43:19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
It’s been a long few months.
It all started with a busy schedule. A busy, “Look how many places want me to speak!” kind of schedule plus a book deadline (neither of these things were a surprise), that were both great for the ego (amazing actually…). But as you well know, the ego is a tricky thing. You can be busy doing God’s work, all the while, convincing yourself that working for Him and being with Him are the same things.
So, take some busy, and then throw in:
- not spending enough time with God
- a strained relationship with one of my kids
- my mom’s cancer
- and (just for fun) whooping cough
This? Right here? Is the perfect Food Network recipe for a full blown meltdown.
OK – so I haven’t taken to sitting in a corner and drooling into a tin cup, but I have sat in the parking lot of many a speaking engagement and cried and cried for one reason and one reason only: I felt like a fraud.
For the past four months, I’ve felt so raw and exhausted that I swing wildly between two extremes: either I can’t crack a Bible without going into a full-on ugly cry or the words on the page feel like they are written to someone else – in a foreign language – in invisible ink. Either I can’t sit through a worship service without having complete strangers come up to me and ask if there is anything they can do. (That is the complete strangers who aren’t avoiding my gaze because who wants to interact with the crazy woman…) Or I just sit there, listening to the words of the music and the preacher thinking, “OK, that may work in theory, but not in my life, apparently.”
How are you supposed to teach God’s Word when you feel like you will either fall apart on stage or that every encounter you’ve had with God recently felt dry, formal, and awkward. (At this point, all you leaders who have me booked to speak at your event are carefully consulting your contracts on how to get out of having this wacko speak at your event. Sorry – you’re kinda stuck with me. But don’t worry. I’ll pull myself together before leaving the parking lot…)
This is not a fun place to be in – the desert place. Yes – it’s true – we all spend some time there. Those times when everything feels wrong and out of sorts. Those times when picking up your Bible feels like the hardest thing you will ever do. Those times when you wonder if God is really there, and if so, why isn’t He doing some of the talking.
I’m starting to see my way clear. I’ve been here before. It feels like it should be so easy: “If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.” John 7:37-38 I’ve flowed before. Why not now?
I know what I have to do. I’ve got to do the things I don’t feel like doing. All week I’ll be talking about where I am and what I’m doing. I hope you’ll come with me – even if you’re not in that dry place, that desert place right now, let me tell you something – it could be just around the corner. Right?
So now that I’ve told you where I am, my question is – have you been there? Have you been to the place where maybe you are in ministry, or your ministry is your home, and you feel like your relationship with God is like your best friend from high school – you have great memories, but you haven’t had a good talk in a long while. Have you been in the desert place?
Tell me about that time – what were the symptoms? When we all know that we all know we go through it, we don’t have to put on our church face or our Bible Study Lady face. We can just sit in the desert, love on each other, offer up some tea, and guide each other out. So tell me about your desert.
Thank you for sharing…. I am in the desert with you right now. My symptons, little self-worth and feelings of failure which lead to loss of concentraion and little tolerance to those that say “Just get over it, it’s God’s plan” or “you know God’s grace has set you free”.
Between loss of job and hurts from the past invading my mind, I’m at a loss. I feel like a fraud at church and wonder how everyone does it. The lies that Satan has been throwing at me during this time have had me ready to crawl under my covers and never come out. Between a Christian counselor, trusted friends prayers and a lot of Bible study, I am beginning to make my way out of the desert.
I understand God’s will and his timing but it doesn’t take away the hurt. I believe in God’s grace for everyone and in my brain. I’m just trying to get the grace in my heart.
Bless you for your transparency, Kathi!
My 2 biggest “symptoms”:
1) The slightest correction brings me to tears.
As in, “With all the effort I’m putting into keeping it all together, they have to point out THAT mistake?!? NOW?!? REALLY?!?
2) Inability to tolerate the word “just.”
As in, “just trust God!”…”just pray about it!”…”just surrender it all to Jesus!”… I’ve decided that anyone who uses the word “just” has clearly NOT experienced what I’m experiencing and, thus, is not a trustworthy guide out of what I’m experiencing.
’cause if they HAD experienced what I’m experiencing, they’d know that there’s no “just” about it!!!
Hey, the desert! I’m here too! Strange how I feel I’m the only one here…until I read this post. Thanks Kathi for opening yourself up for us in such a way. A friend once told me that you can easier guide people out of the scary places if you’ve been there yourself. Else ministry would be soooo much harder, I think. What removes the ‘fraud’ is when you allow God to use your situation to help others. It’s the ultimate way to show the oposition that he’s no longer welcome. God bless you for your huge input in His Kingdom.
Wow Kathi, what a timely topic. Over the last couple of months I’ve had conversations with friends who are find themselves in the desert. I have been to the desert several times over my 51 years on earth. These “trips” have varied in length but have always felt the same…feelings of emptiness, loneliness, shallowness, and being a fraud (great choice of words Kathi). For me, being in the desert includes going through the motions but nothing seems real, nothing seems to connect. I received the devotional “Jesus Calling” for Christmas and what a blessing it has been. That dry season…you described it so well Kathi, I found myself nodding my head and talking to my computer screen (“oh yeah, I’ve been there”) and then the tears started to flow. Those dry seasons, which seem so endless and lonely, happen to all of us but it takes real courage to admit you are in the desert. And I’m so grateful to those dear, true friends that have come along side me during those times in my life and helped guide me out.
It is only in the desert that we learn how precious the water really is. While in our humanity we would never choose to go there, good things happen in the desert.
During a desert experience in my life, I learned to focus more on what God thinks and feels about me than on my own feelings about/for God. ..and not to panic when my feelings just aren’t there, nor any apparent sign of life on God’s part. Is He there? Does He care? Why doen’t He DO SOMETHING?!!?
Just like a baby thinks someone is gone just because they hide for a moment behind a blanket over their head, we tend to panic when we neither feel God’s presence nor see His work on our behalf. But He is there. He hasn’t gone anywhere, and He never will. I have learned that this is a lesson worth any price I have had to pay. “And it came to pass,” dear sisters, it comes to pass…and you will emerge stronger, wiser, more faithful and more loving because of it. Just hold on. You have a hero and He loves you.
I often think about the object lesson my mom gave us one morning when we were kids.
For breakfast, we each had on our plate a vitamin. That’s it. She said that’s because sometimes the Bible seems like that. It’s just good for us. So we take it, whether it’s our favorite or not.
Then she gave us a bowl of dry shredded wheat. No milk. She said that’s because sometimes the Bible is tough and dry, and hard to get through. But it’s good for us, and it will nourish us.
And then, she pulled out our favorite: the thing we never got to have for breakfast. The make-your-own donut setup (a.k.a. refrigerated biscuit dough that we’d fry in the fondue pot, then roll in sugar, cinnamon, etc. Delicious, and an all-time favorite.) She said that’s because some of the time, the Word of God is like our very, very favorite thing in the world, and it feels like dessert, and we just can’t get enough.
That object lesson has come back to me again and again, and it helps me to know that not every moment will “feel” as fulfilling as every other, but that’s OK.
Oh Kathi,
I am so blown away how God speaks through people and one of those people is you. Since Sept. of 2010 my mom was diagnoised with lung cancer and died that Dec. During that time my sister caused a LOT of family drama that was very painful/hurtfull and devasting. I won’t go into details but my life has been turned upside down hell since. But I have to say that God is in the midst of that thougth but at times I feel he is a million miles away. I can not explain the pain, despair, hopelessness, helplessnes and depression that I am going through. I ended up having an episode of my manic and now I am battling sever depression. I ask myself where is God in all of this. I have had to step back from leading a woman’s bible study to allow God to bring healing. So much came up from my childhood that God wants to bring me through it and bring healing so that I can minister to other’s who have had a painful childhood and trying to do life as an adult with garbage from their past.
At the beginning of this year God spoke to me very clearly the same scripture that you have used today. This is to be the scripture for me in 2012. Isaiah. 43:16, 18-19. “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past…See I am doing a new thing! Do you not perceive it? Now it springs forth…I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland”. I know this is God’s promise for me but I still feel like I am in the desert. Everytime I am in our worship service I can’t help crying-wondering where God is and why doesn’t he just take me home. Sometimes it is hard to pray because I don’t really know what to pray. The other day as I was reading his word and reflecting how I felt in the worship I realized that though I don’t know what to pray right now Jesus intercedes on my behalf. That is what I am holding onto right now.
I am looking forward to my retreat and hearing you speak. No pressure-I know that God will annoit you and speak through you His message and in His power.
Know that you are loved and you are preciouse in His sight. He to intercedes on your behalf.
Kathi,
Reading your words around 2:00 AM (couldn’t sleep), I totally identified with you. I had the urge to hug you and say ‘yes, yes, me, too.” As Cathy said above, Jesus Calling works for me at this point. My attention and comprehension are lacking. The question of “what happened to Sharon” pops up every day. My behaviors go beyond bizarre. It can’t be that I turned 60 in January. No, I know my turmoil. It’s a familiar one. Because I have a long term relationship with depression my psychiatrist upped my medication a week ago. Something I haven’t had to do for years. The clouds are lifting some and causing me to wonder why I didn’t do that over a year ago to get through my grief of losing my parents and some other heavy duty issues. Trying to do it on my own again. Broken and going down the same path leads to more broken.
My husband cares for me in such a gentle, tender way. What a gift I have in him. Thank you, God! I will pray for you, my friend!
Kathi,
We’ve all been there (whether we admit it or not), and I think the thing I’ve learned is that i have to persevere because it’s only a season. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad person or a fraud; it means I’m human. And….as I’m sure you realize, it’s in admitting where we are (even to ourselves) that we can get back to the place of drinking in the Living Water. Thanks for sharing your heart because it resonates with so many of ours.
PS: Kathi, God loves you and so do I. Thank you for sharing your heart here on this blog. I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time and will be praying for you!
Your transparency is always such a blessing. We’ve been in some hard places in a few areas of life this past couple years, and intertwined with the hard stuff is God’s constant faithfulness, but it is still sometimes very exhausting. One of the things I enjoy most about you is your authenticity, so thank you for sharing and offering encouragment, even while you’re in a hard place. I’m praying encouragment for you and that all you are sharing will bear fruit for the Lord, as your testimony touches us all.
Oh, and little cool thing that I think may make you smile today: You know how I’m a huge The Me Project fan, right? So, you also know how our missions work in Ukraine has been a direct result of how God used that book to give me a kick in the pants. Well, 6 weeks ago, a family of 8 refugees we met while IN Ukraine (5 kids lived in the same children’s center we work with) are now in MY CITY! So every day, we have the opportunity to minister to them and enjoy them and have fellowship. So we have 6 new kiddos in our family, thanks very much to how God used your voice to speak His heart to me. (I hope that’s a little drop of joy in your desert-season. Your work is bearing fruit in ways you don’t even know!)
It feels like I’ve been in the desert for a long time. I think the hardest part is not knowing how long it will last.
I have been in and out of the desert for the past nine months. That is how long I have AGAIN been unemployed. I was working at a job where I really felt God wanted me to be and felt I was making a difference. Then what I thought wasn’t going to happen happened, God took me away from that job. At first I was getting myself ready for the next chapter God had planned for me, by diving into His word and meeting Him in prayer daily, asking for guidance in the next step. I felt that surely if I was making a difference at my last job and He removed me from there, that there was an even more exciting opportunity awaiting me. Well the longer time has gone by I go through times of questioning His logic. Add the financial stress of my daughter announcing she is getting married in June and you have the makings of a full-blown breakdown and Lots of tears.
I have been trying to get back to that closeness with God that I felt nine months ago and struggling with the “fairness” of it all. Thankfully there are times I can come out of the desert and enjoy His peace and feel all is in His timing. Then there are the times that I try to take back control and “make” things happen. I know I am in times of trouble when I sit down to read my daily devotional and get halfway through only to realize I have no idea what I just read. Oh how I hate those DRY times. I go to my Bible and look up passages I have highlighted to remind me of the Love of God and all is in His timing. I believe what ever is in store for me next God is using this time to prepare me.
I look forward to taking this journey with you Kathi and the inspiration you can give us all.
Kimber, thanks for sharing this. I am praying as I’m typing that God will provide the strength and perseverance but also that you would be able to sit in his Grace. We can support each other as we break down together :0 God uses the broken, because when we’re whole, we feel like we can accomplish things on our own.
Not that I am happy that you are going through this, but glad that I am not the only one in the dessert place right now. I don’t know what is going on, but I think through feeling sick and tired (pregnant with #4) and feeling discouraged in my ministry – I’ve turned away and just don’t want to deal with things right now. It is so hard for me to want to open the bible. The only thing I can do right now is read the “Jesus Calling” devotional and I have been praying for change to occur. I know God is calling for me to just go to him for rest, strength, and peace. I have been filling my emptiness with worldly things, rather than time with God. I look forward to going through this journey with you, Kathi – you are such a great inspiration.
Cathy I so get it. I’ll be talking about Jesus Calling this week. And I get it – you wouldn’t wish the desert on a friend, but you don’t want to be there by yourself!
The desert. That familiar, hot and dry place, where the winds howl about my worthlessness and tear at my shreds of self-esteem.
I have been there and done that, and for some reason, continue to vacation there on too regular a basis. 🙁
However, I have found that the solution, always, is so counter-intuitive. When I am at my most stretched and empty, when I, too, start crying at the drop of a hat, I have to stop and pray.
To be refilled.
To listen.
To let Him lead and to follow.
Just this week I went to my knees again, and threw myself on His mercy, and asked forgiveness for my foolish, independent behavior. I said “I will follow. Just show the way.”
After all, “Follow” is the word He gave me this year.
Funny thing about that…
Even though I can’t see the road ahead, I know that He can.
And there is great peace there, knowing He holds me in His arms and heart.
I love that your word is “follow”. We spend so much time in strategy and leading that follow is so foreign, but so needed. Thanks for that Kim.
My desert is a solitary place, where no one can find me, and I feel abandoned- even by God. I overwhelm myself with good deeds and works, hoping that this will get His approval and attention (I started going to church late in life- mid twenties- and this is what the church I went to had taught), and I still find myself doing that same thing on occasion, even though I know it’s wrong. I have comprehension issues and never made it a habit of reading the bible unless I was in a class.
I’m working on that bad habit now. 🙂
Oh Beth – I so get it – I’m the same way – like a jack rabbit trying to learn violin.
I’m there now. 🙁 My story is that I everything was going well and then God let my life be turned upside down. I lost a great job I loved that paid good due to the economy. That was going on three years ago. I count the “time off” as a blessing as I was able to dedicate more time to my kids and ministry (I’m a MOPS mom and leader). But financially I’ve HAD to go back to work and the job I have, I don’t like as it pays 1/3 of what I used to make and it is NOT making ends meet. I hate being away from my kids 40 hours a week for such little pay and I don’t feel I have the time needed for my ministry or to grow my own business. I NEED time to spend with God, to spend on my ministry, to spend searching for a BETTER PAYING job or to spend cultivating a work from home job. I’m sure that God has a plan for me….I’m just in the desert right now and can’t understand or listen to learn what it is.
It seems like job loss leads many to the desert. Praying for you now Teresa.